a collection of musings on life, politics, culture, and humor.
January 22, 2011
January 19, 2011
doing drugs wrong, probably as a consequence of doing drugs right
 |
| Don't all the dope heads keep their blow in decorative urns? |
January 18, 2011
some haikus about lubed up dolphins
Lubed up dolphins rock
They're faster than the others
They use Vaseline
Oiled up porpoises
Lubed up for high performance
They're shiny when wet
If i could ride one
I'd ride a greasy dolphin
The best ride in town
Swimming freaking fast
Incredible lubed dolphins
All the girls love them
My favorite dolphins
Are the ones who’re all greased up
Like Swiss muscle men
From nose to flipper
Covered with KY jelly
Slippery, lubed up dolphins
If I could own one
I’d buy a lubed up dolphin
And name him Lubie
January 17, 2011
January 1, 2011
predictions for 2011
(see how I fared on my predictions for 2010)
Every year when I make my predictions, I use the introductory paragraph to lament how unimpressive the preceding year was, and how much better the upcoming year will be. And every year when I review my predictions, I end up eating my words because the year turned out to be every bit as lame as the one before it. So I'm not going to do that this time. Let the record show that I expect 2011 to be a year of unadulterated mediocrity in every way. That being said, let's go ahead with the predictions.
THINGS THAT SHALL TAKE PLACE IN THE YEAR OF OUR LORD 2011:
* My cooking, which is good but certainly nothing gourmet, is the subject of critical acclaim.
* I get, and destroy, some awesome pants. These are hopefully two separate pairs, as I'd hate to destroy awesome pants right after getting them.
* Brent surprises absolutely everyone by not contracting any STIs this year. This is most likely due to the fact that there are simply no more STIs left for him to contract.
* A major purchase, like a car or some durable good, is in my future. I don't have any idea how this will happen, as I don't anticipate being able to afford anything in the next year.
* A new job opportunity comes my way, and it's probably something unexpected and fairly exciting. This may help to explain how the above prediction can take place.
* Someone I know gets punched right in the face. RIGHT IN THE FACE!
* There will be a huge, huge scandal that turns everything upside down. The scandal will be old, but the news will be new. It will result in plenty of lost jobs, even more lost money, and at least one or two arrests.
* White supremacists will make headlines for doing something asinine, as white supremacists are prone to do.
* At least two people I know beget children. These two people are, naturally, people whom I do not expect to be begetting children. This may be a result of the many unexpected marriages I predicted in years past.
* Something from outer space collides with the earth, or with something we put into space from the earth. The price of tin foil goes sky high.
* I appear on TV for some reason. I regret the fact that my hair looks so bad the one day I happen to be in front of a camera.
* I think something in my life is going to catch fire. I hope it's not going to be like that time the whole city of San Diego burned down.
* I don't know why, but I think something bad will happen involving Adam Sandler.
* I come in contact with a celebrity, who addresses me by name.
* Madness, sheer madness, insanity, and inanity. Chinatown won't even know what hit it.
So there we have it. I don't know what all of them mean, or why they're supposed to happen, but those are my hunches for the upcoming year. I'll revisit this list again one year from today to see how I fared, as is my custom.
Every year when I make my predictions, I use the introductory paragraph to lament how unimpressive the preceding year was, and how much better the upcoming year will be. And every year when I review my predictions, I end up eating my words because the year turned out to be every bit as lame as the one before it. So I'm not going to do that this time. Let the record show that I expect 2011 to be a year of unadulterated mediocrity in every way. That being said, let's go ahead with the predictions.
THINGS THAT SHALL TAKE PLACE IN THE YEAR OF OUR LORD 2011:
* My cooking, which is good but certainly nothing gourmet, is the subject of critical acclaim.
* I get, and destroy, some awesome pants. These are hopefully two separate pairs, as I'd hate to destroy awesome pants right after getting them.
* Brent surprises absolutely everyone by not contracting any STIs this year. This is most likely due to the fact that there are simply no more STIs left for him to contract.
* A major purchase, like a car or some durable good, is in my future. I don't have any idea how this will happen, as I don't anticipate being able to afford anything in the next year.
* A new job opportunity comes my way, and it's probably something unexpected and fairly exciting. This may help to explain how the above prediction can take place.
* Someone I know gets punched right in the face. RIGHT IN THE FACE!
* There will be a huge, huge scandal that turns everything upside down. The scandal will be old, but the news will be new. It will result in plenty of lost jobs, even more lost money, and at least one or two arrests.
* White supremacists will make headlines for doing something asinine, as white supremacists are prone to do.
* At least two people I know beget children. These two people are, naturally, people whom I do not expect to be begetting children. This may be a result of the many unexpected marriages I predicted in years past.
* Something from outer space collides with the earth, or with something we put into space from the earth. The price of tin foil goes sky high.
* I appear on TV for some reason. I regret the fact that my hair looks so bad the one day I happen to be in front of a camera.
* I think something in my life is going to catch fire. I hope it's not going to be like that time the whole city of San Diego burned down.
* I don't know why, but I think something bad will happen involving Adam Sandler.
* I come in contact with a celebrity, who addresses me by name.
* Madness, sheer madness, insanity, and inanity. Chinatown won't even know what hit it.
So there we have it. I don't know what all of them mean, or why they're supposed to happen, but those are my hunches for the upcoming year. I'll revisit this list again one year from today to see how I fared, as is my custom.
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