June 29, 2005

I haven't mooned anyone in a very long time. Like, almost a year.

June 28, 2005

Last night I had a dream that I was at the dentist, and as long as he was working around there, he gave me a cheek piercing and stuck a ring in it. I didn't ask for it, nor did I really want it at all, but I went around wearing it for days until someone told me how stupid it looked.

this has got to be one of the greatest moments in american history

By now I'm sure most of you have heard about the abhorrent June 23 Supreme Court ruling in "Kelo vs. City of New London", which expands eminent domain laws to allow the government to seize private property from one person and give it to another person, who can use it for anything and everything he pleases, if it will result in higher government revenues via taxes and stuff. This means that if someone wants to build a hotel, or a strip mall, or heck, even a strip club where your house is currently sitting, the City can condemn your home, boot you out, and hand the land over to the developer to do as he pleases. "Sorry, this porno club contributes more to the economy than your house does, you jackass," the City will say to you as it spits on your shoes, kicks you in the ass and laughs at you as you try to fit all five of your kids in a refrigerator box behind the bowling alley.

"This is terrible! Why did you say this is one of the greatest moments in American history, you twisted freak?" you may be asking. Keep reading, bub, I'm getting to that.

In a great ironic twist in the tale, Logan Darrow Clements, CEO of Freestar Media, LLC, aims to take advantage of this ruling to have 34 Cilley Hill Road in Weare, New Hampshire condemned to make way for a new hotel. What's so great about that, you ask? 34 Cilley Hill Road just happens to be Supreme Court Justice David H. Souter's home! That's right, one of the justices responsible for one of the greatest outrages in American History is about to fall victim to his own doings in one of the sweetest acts of protest to ever take place.

As if that's not enough, the proposed hotel is called "The Lost Liberty Hotel" and will include the "Just Desserts Cafe" and a museum highlighting the decline of American liberties.

I think this hotel is a fantastic idea, and if I had any money at all, I'd definitely invest in it. I hope it's a success, because the Court ruled 5-4 on this issue, and that means we need another four hotels built stat.

June 12, 2005

I was at the deli the other day having some lunch, and the TV was tuned to this stupid daytime show for people who have no lives of their own, called "Celebrity Justice". The announcer had just introduced the show's top story of the day with the headline, "The latest news in the Michael Jackson trial", when I hear a voice beside me go, "Did they hang him?" Not wanting to encourage an idiot in any way, I ignored the comment and took another bite from my sandwich. But of course, it's never that simple. Idiots persevere. "Is that an option?" I heard the voice say again, "can they hang him?" I looked over to my right to see a thirty-something doofus looking directly at me, ear to ear grin on his stupid face, awaiting my approval of his oh-so-clever remarks. I raised my eyebrows and let out a very unenthusiastic "heh", and continued with my sandwich. This seemed to please the moron, and he turned his gaze back to the TV, now feeling very validated. This exchange got me to thinking. What is it about unwitty people that makes them think anybody wants to hear their stupid comments? I don't even know this guy, and he's attempting really crappy jokes with me. It wasn't even funny. There was no wit in his comment, no fast thinking or cleverness whatsoever. He just blurted out the first rubbish thing that entered his mind. Not only did this complete lack of substance keep him from opening his big mouth in the first place, but he kept on going even after I ignored him the first time. I wonder what goes on in the head of someone like that? "Well, that didn't go over so well, did it? Maybe it'll be funnier if I say the exact same thing, only louder!"