As I was coming into my neighborhood on my way home from school today, I noticed that the white minivan driving in front of me was none other than my Mr. Toad-esque neighbor, now world famous for her poor driving skills. This excited me, for I knew another crappy park job was imminent. I followed closely – but not too closely; I didn't want to arouse suspicion – and carefully observed every nuance of her maneuvering. Sending my expectations straight to hell, she actually piloted her vehicle pretty soberly. This bothered me. As we approached her house, though, a glimmer of hope shone bright in my eye. Yes, this is the neighbor we've come to know so well. With a thump! thump! she cut the corner too close, and in her trademark move, drove right over the sloping edge of the sidewalk. "I knew you wouldn't disappoint!" I sang with glee as I zipped past the house. And that was the highlight of my day, even more so than acing my biology final.

My neighbor was seen pulling into her driveway tonight for the first time in 69 days. Needless to say, she did a pretty crappy job.

The incident began with a haphazard, too-fast-for-conditions swerve onto the drive, followed by a reversal and then a re-adjustment.

Just like last time, she grazed the edge of the sidewalk on her way in. It was not seen whether she drove over the grass, however she did back up in a straight line, lending support to my hypothesis that my neighbor is incapable of turning the wheel while reversing.

Keeping an ever watchful eye across the street,
- Caleb

For all of you who have expressed concern about my dad this past week, I apologize for being so late in updating you on his situation. As usual, I've been busy with school and stuff, and when some free time actually came my way, I had much more productive things to do than spend it writing HTML.

So anyway... Dad spent last Friday night at the hospital, as I said, and came home Saturday. The tests indicate that he didn't have a heart attack, which is a good thing because that means there's not necessarily going to be tissue damage. They still don't know what the heck was wrong with him, though. Tests are still being run on his blood, and we should have the results in the next few days. In the meantime, the doctors say it could have been anything from a lung infection to really nasty indigestion.

As far as my neighbor goes, I haven't seen her coming or going in a few days. All she does now is walk around the garage, and around the front yard... but she doesn't actually drive anywhere! I think she might be on to me...

I went to bed at around midnight last night, and I slept til 10:30 this morning. That was pretty sweet. I would've slept in even longer, but I was awakened by a call from my mom, telling me that my dad was in the ER. It seems he had a heart attack, but they won't know for sure until tomorrow. They need to run a blood test to check for biomarkers, which are enzymes and stuff that show up in the blood following cardiac arrest. If they find these biomarkers, then that means he had a heart attack. If they don't, then I have no idea what else could have caused a sudden feeling like "someone punched a hole through my chest" that then radiated to his jaw. So I'm hoping for the heart attack option.

In other news, I'm becoming obsessed with my neighbor. I watched her pull into her driveway tonight, like that black guy watched Nicolas Cage in Gone In 60 Seconds. "Time to see if she drives over the grass!" I said as I stood in the dark street, probably looking like a real pervert.

What happened next remains a mystery to me. My neighbor pulled into the driveway, parked in the garage, and went inside her house... but I couldn't see whether she drove on the lawn or not. But even if she didn't, she sure came close. You know that portion of the driveway where it becomes the sidewalk? I think she drove over that part. So I can definitely see why I shouldn't park there.

But I still need to see her leaving the house in order to verify my original hypotheses that (1) she only backs up in a straight line, and (2) she somehow manages to drive on the lawn when backing out. Once I am able to verify these hypotheses, I will be able to further develop my theory that my neighbor is a crappy driver.

In the meantime, I think I'll park as far away from her house as possible.

Leering voyeuristically in the window with binoculars,

-Caleb

There was a trailer parked in front of my house today when I got home from school, so I parked across the street in front of my neighbors' house. Later in the day, I happened to be out front, and my neighbor approached me and requested that I move my car. "I can't get out of my driveway," she told me. "You've gotta move it like, two feet. Or I'll take your front bumper off." Hmm, I thought as I examined my parking job. My front bumper was just in line with the edge of her lawn. Does this mean she drives over her grass every morning when backing out of the driveway? Probably. But even if I happened, for some reason, to be parked half way into her driveway, she should easily be able to avoid hitting me. It's just a matter of looking behind you and turning the wheel. But she seemed pretty confident that she would be trapped – a prisoner in her own home – if I didn't repark my car. So based on her insistence, I've concluded that she drives on her lawn when backing out, and she only knows how to reverse in straight lines.

And the moral of the story is: my neighbor is a crappy driver. If you see a white minivan on the road, keep your distance.