as american as apple pie, ADD, and obesity

Independence Day has a long and proud history of holiday tradition: Cholesterol, explosives, heat stroke, drunk driving, cheap ass plastic hats, and historically inaccurate chain emails about our Founding Fathers.

Call me unpatriotic*, but after seeing the same email go around year after year, I'm beginning to grow a little weary of that latter tradition. So my fellow Americans, allow me to introduce you to Snopes' dismantling of an American tradition. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

And happy Fourth, of course.



*Unpatriotic (adj.): believing in liberty, freedom, truth, responsibility, and the Constitution. see also: commie; libtard; fag; and Thomas Jefferson.

the day i looked the fool

One time when I was a kid, I was thumbing through our family calendar and noticed something fascinating when I got to July. "Guess what, Mom," I ran into the living room, excited to tell someone, "Independence Day and the Fourth of July fall on the same day this year!"

remember, remember, the fifth of november july

For the past two decades or so, the High Five has enjoyed immense popularity among sports fans, jet pilots, mathematical nerds, and anybody who wants to celebrate that awesome thing that just happened. From the lowliest of peasants to the mightiest of kings, there's nary a person who doesn't enjoy a High Five. It is truly the great equalizer.

But it's time for High Five to take a hike.

Back in the days before High Five ruled the roost, a cat by the name of Low Five was the star of the show. Low Five was decidedly rad, offering such exciting variations as Double Five, Sides, The Bumps, Skin, and of course, The Flip Side. It was also a bit more distinguished than its High counterpart, seeming to say, "I'm celebrating with you, but I'm holding on to my dignity as well." Low Five was both a gentleman-scholar and a philosopher-king. Low Five was awesome.

But unfortunately for Low Five, it also had one glaring drawback: initiation consternation. Although it only took about a second to resolve, the confusion over who delivers that totally rad slap and who receives it caused enough of a delay to take a little bit of the zing out of the celebratory moment. This did not go unnoticed by High Five, who took full advantage of this liability, and used its everyone-initiates simplicity as a foothold to quickly rise to the top of the Five ladder, where it's remained to this day. And High Five has never looked back.

Until now.

As is often the case when something totally boss has been around for a while, High Five is now largely taken for granted, achieving the ironic status of being as unappreciated as it is popular, just like FM radio, faux hawk haircuts, and Bob Dylan. And that's terrible. But it doesn't have to be this way.

And beginning on the Fifth of July, 2008, it will be this way no longer!

A long-range plan has been put into place to restore High Five to its once-awe-inspiring role as the unbridled powerhouse of celebration it spent twenty years enjoying. Be warned, though -- this plan will be difficult for many, and will not happen overnight. In short, it requires the total abolition of High Five for a period of one year.

'Are you mad?!' you are probably shouting at your screen at this point. The answer is a qualified 'no!' This tactic worked for Superman, Batman, and Coca-Cola, and you can bet your shorts it'll work for High Five as well. Allow me to explain:

On the Fifth of July, 2008, at 5:00 pm, history will be made. High Five will be sequestered into exile for exactly one year, and Low Five will return from obscurity to reclaim the throne! During these twelve Five-riffic months, America will rekindle its dormant love affair with Low Five, knowing once again the totally bitchin' power of giving it Down Low, Turned In, and On The Flip Side, while at the same time evoking memories of a simpler and more optimistic time. Then, on the Fifth of July, 2009... High Five will return from its year of banishment to face off with Low Five and fight for its position at the top of the Five hierarchy once and for all! And, since absence makes the heart grow fonder (and this is the most important part), High Five will, upon simply returning, be afforded the respect and appreciation it deserves. It will again be among the ranks of There Will Be Blood, instead of Bob Dylan and the faux hawk.

So as difficult as it may be to not High Five for an entire year, it is really quite necessary for the very sake of High Five itself! Please support the Fifth of July campaign by attending a local Five party, or hosting one of your own. Make bracelets or t-shirts to help spread the word about the Fifth of July. And of course, if someone offers you one "Up High", politely decline and offer one "Down Low" instead, and explain why. High Five is counting on you!

Remember, the future of Five is in your hands!

bob cratchit would shoot you in the face if he got the chance.

If I hear one more person complain about this alleged "war on Christmas," I'm gonna slap them silly. Nobody is out to get rid of Christmas. There are no supervillains sitting in their lairs, concocting diabolical schemes to rid the world of Christmas once and for all, laughing heartily with their henchmen about how now Chanukah will be the big winter holiday.

Seriously, if someone who doesn't know you wants to give you a friendly greeting, do you really expect them to say, "Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, Happy Kwanzaa, Super Solstice, and Bitchin' Festivus, depending on whichever holiday you happen to celebrate, as well as Happy Thanksgiving, Boxing Day, and a Happy New Year too"? No, because not only would that be stupid, it would be a waste of everybody's time and an annoyance. So shut up and quit complaining about "Happy Holidays" and just be glad that you're not getting a laundry list of seasonal greetings that will just piss you off and make you late for your pilates.

But wait, it gets even worse. I was at Souplantation the other day, and there was a family sitting at the table next to mine, and the mom seemed very agitated that there was a "Happy Happy Hanukah" sign hanging on one of the doors, but not a "Merry Christmas" sign. She made a fuss about it and even asked her server why there's not a "Merry Christmas" sign. Of course he doesn't know or care about the background of the holiday decorations, so he says he'd have to ask the manager about it. As time went by, I heard her continue to complain to her family about it, and wonder aloud why she hasn't gotten an answer yet. Thankfully I resisted the urge, but I really wanted to just get up and throttle her and be like, "You see the Christmas lights hanging up in here? You see the Christmas wreaths on the doors and windows? You see how the dessert bar is adorned with holly and garland, and the pillar holding the ceiling up is wrapped in candy cane stripes? You see the red and green Christmas bows on every lamp in the building? You see that little Christmas tree by the coffee machine, with the little Christmas presents beneath it? Why isn't all this enough for you? Why are you so bent up about not having a 'Merry Christmas' sign on the door to the freaking broom closet? Yes, there is a 'Happy Happy Hanukah sign displayed in an effort to include Jewish customers in the festivities. Why is that so offensive to you? Do you hate Chanukah? Are you an anti-Semite? Would you prefer that we exclude Jews from our celebration? Huh? Well answer me!" Yeah, clearly Souplantation is fighting on the front lines of America's war on family values by not including a "Merry Christmas" banner among their many, many Christmas decorations.

And what's everybody's problem with "Xmas"? "Oh, that's secular America's attempt to take Christ out of Christmas!" they keep telling me. Bull freaking crap. If you bothered to do any amount of learning up on the subject before you started complaining, you'd know that the Greek letter Chi, which is identical to our letter X, is the first letter in the Greek spelling of "Christ", and has been used for nearly 20 centuries as a shorthand abbreviation for His name. That's taking Christ out of Christmas, alright. Just like "E-mail" is a plot to take "electronic" out of "electronic mail service".

As long as we're on the subject, am I the only one who finds it ironic that people get themselves so worked up about this supposed usurpation of Christ from Christmas, and how we need to remember the true meaning of the holiday... meanwhile they're stepping over homeless people freezing to death on the street, on their way to Wal-Mart to spend extravagant sums on unnecessary gadgets and toys that were made by 9-year-old sweatshop workers who slave 60+ hours a week to just survive? That's the true meaning of Christmas, alright. Glad you're here to defend it against those damn liberals who are trying to keep us from worshipping materialism -- I mean Jesus Christ -- this Christmas season.

So if you don't like the dechristianization of Christmas, instead of bitching about it all day long, why don't you do something to put Christ back into it? Stop worrying about buying stupid crap for people, and instead worry about what you can do to make someone's life a little better. Instead of handing your money over to line Sam Walton's pockets, why don't you use it to put food in someone's mouth, or shoes on some kid's feet? Turn off the Christmas lights and use the money you save on your electric bill to buy a few Meals on Wheels for people who can't leave their homes. Go visit some old people in the local nursing home; the only human contact those poor folks usually get is people trying to shove pills down their throats. Or how about taking all the time and energy you'd spend protesting "Xmas" and putting it towards helping out that single mom who works 50 hours a week and has three kids to take care of? You wanna get Christ back into Christmas? Go show His love to the people who need it most.

And stop shopping at freaking Wal-Mart.


Above: A man dressed in a Santa suit protests Wal-Mart's "Home for the Holidays" ad campaign, saying that it denies Christ and cheapens the meaning of Christmas, which apparently is Santa Claus.

Is it just me, or is the Christmas spirit dying a little more each year? I don't think it's just because I'm getting older, either. I think there are fewer Christmas specials on TV, fewer decorations in public places, and overall holiday cheer is going the way of Polio.

But the most unsettling part is the lack of Christmas charities. What happened to all the Toys for Tots bins that used to be in front of stores? Is there a shortage of marines or something? And I've only seen one Salvation Army bell ringer so far this year. They used to be outside of every Target and supermarket. What's going on?

It's like Santa Claus got pissed off at the churches for reminding people of the true meaning of Christmas, which threatens his job security, so he and his elf goons went around muscling up anybody who tried collecting things for the poor and needy. Well your guido scare tactics aren't gonna work, fat man! I'm gonna buy less and less stuff than ever before, just to spite you. I'm not even going to use wrapping paper. Getting nervous?

I know one person isn't going to make much of a dent in your profits, but once everybody checks out Buy Nothing Christmas, I bet your fur-trimmed wallet's gonna start feeling a little lighter. Oooh, is it getting hot in here, fatso?

You're the worst monster in Big Business. You're an enemy to all things good and holy and kind. You make the Grinch look like Martin Luther King, you greedy a-hole. Bite me, Santa. Get bent. I hope your sleigh crashes into an iceberg.

- Caleb