June 26, 2008

remember, remember, the fifth of november july

For the past two decades or so, the High Five has enjoyed immense popularity among sports fans, jet pilots, mathematical nerds, and anybody who wants to celebrate that awesome thing that just happened. From the lowliest of peasants to the mightiest of kings, there's nary a person who doesn't enjoy a High Five. It is truly the great equalizer.

But it's time for High Five to take a hike.

Back in the days before High Five ruled the roost, a cat by the name of Low Five was the star of the show. Low Five was decidedly rad, offering such exciting variations as Double Five, Sides, The Bumps, Skin, and of course, The Flip Side. It was also a bit more distinguished than its High counterpart, seeming to say, "I'm celebrating with you, but I'm holding on to my dignity as well." Low Five was both a gentleman-scholar and a philosopher-king. Low Five was awesome.

But unfortunately for Low Five, it also had one glaring drawback: initiation consternation. Although it only took about a second to resolve, the confusion over who delivers that totally rad slap and who receives it caused enough of a delay to take a little bit of the zing out of the celebratory moment. This did not go unnoticed by High Five, who took full advantage of this liability, and used its everyone-initiates simplicity as a foothold to quickly rise to the top of the Five ladder, where it's remained to this day. And High Five has never looked back.

Until now.

As is often the case when something totally boss has been around for a while, High Five is now largely taken for granted, achieving the ironic status of being as unappreciated as it is popular, just like FM radio, faux hawk haircuts, and Bob Dylan. And that's terrible. But it doesn't have to be this way.

And beginning on the Fifth of July, 2008, it will be this way no longer!

A long-range plan has been put into place to restore High Five to its once-awe-inspiring role as the unbridled powerhouse of celebration it spent twenty years enjoying. Be warned, though -- this plan will be difficult for many, and will not happen overnight. In short, it requires the total abolition of High Five for a period of one year.

'Are you mad?!' you are probably shouting at your screen at this point. The answer is a qualified 'no!' This tactic worked for Superman, Batman, and Coca-Cola, and you can bet your shorts it'll work for High Five as well. Allow me to explain:

On the Fifth of July, 2008, at 5:00 pm, history will be made. High Five will be sequestered into exile for exactly one year, and Low Five will return from obscurity to reclaim the throne! During these twelve Five-riffic months, America will rekindle its dormant love affair with Low Five, knowing once again the totally bitchin' power of giving it Down Low, Turned In, and On The Flip Side, while at the same time evoking memories of a simpler and more optimistic time. Then, on the Fifth of July, 2009... High Five will return from its year of banishment to face off with Low Five and fight for its position at the top of the Five hierarchy once and for all! And, since absence makes the heart grow fonder (and this is the most important part), High Five will, upon simply returning, be afforded the respect and appreciation it deserves. It will again be among the ranks of There Will Be Blood, instead of Bob Dylan and the faux hawk.

So as difficult as it may be to not High Five for an entire year, it is really quite necessary for the very sake of High Five itself! Please support the Fifth of July campaign by attending a local Five party, or hosting one of your own. Make bracelets or t-shirts to help spread the word about the Fifth of July. And of course, if someone offers you one "Up High", politely decline and offer one "Down Low" instead, and explain why. High Five is counting on you!

Remember, the future of Five is in your hands!


June 21, 2008

"no escaping please"

I just read an article about a gas station clerk in Michigan who got tired of people driving off without paying for their gas, and jumped into a driver-offer's car to try to stop them.

Why would someone attempt such heroics on behalf of a petrol company that doesn't even care about them? Well, it turns out she's been getting penalized for these so-called drive-offs. Worse than that, the article's Fark comments give the impression that this is not unique; punishing clerks for customer gas theft seems to be common practice at stations that don't require you to pay before filling up.

If you ask me, that's beyond ridiculous. Clerks should not be punished for corporate idiocy. Anyone who chooses to operate their gas station in this way is indescribably stupid, and deserves to have every drop of their gas pumped away without seeing one penny – and they'll get no sympathy from me when it happens. Really, what do you expect when you dispense gasoline on the honor system? Have you ever heard of a jewelry store that leaves all their jewelry sitting out in the open, trusting that nobody will take any diamonds without paying for them? Or a supermarket that'll let you open up packages of food and start chowing down in the middle of the aisle, trusting that you'll eventually bring it to the register for payment? Of course not! That's because jewelry stores and supermarkets aren't run by idiots who are so naive as to think that everyone who comes to their shop is integrous enough to pay top dollar for something that is, for all intents and purposes, being given away for free.

Hey Michigan gas stations (and anyone else who operates like this), I've got a great plan to reduce drive-offs for you: make customers pay before pumping gas, like every other fuel station in the world. As long as you fail to do this, you will continue to be ripped off with increasing frequency, as the price of gas keeps climbing. And I'll be right here, not approving of it, but simply shaking my head and asking, "well what'd ya expect, stupid?"