some haikus about lubed up dolphins

Lubed up dolphins rock

They're faster than the others

They use Vaseline

Oiled up porpoises

Lubed up for high performance

They're shiny when wet

If i could ride one

I'd ride a greasy dolphin

The best ride in town

Swimming freaking fast

Incredible lubed dolphins

All the girls love them

My favorite dolphins

Are the ones who’re all greased up

Like Swiss muscle men

From nose to flipper

Covered with KY jelly

Slippery, lubed up dolphins

If I could own one

I’d buy a lubed up dolphin

And name him Lubie

15 pics of people sticking cats in their mouths

i want to be, under the sea

1) Scientists are giving Rubik's cubes to octopuses to see if they have a favorite tentacle (article).

2) I freaking love science!

3) Somewhere along the line, the English language officially abandoned 'octopi' in favor of 'octopuses', and nobody bothered to inform me of this change.

4) I hate how fickle the English language is.

5) But, scientists are giving Rubik's cubes to octopuses to see if they have a favorite tentacle!

6) That's so rad!


Above: an octopus working on a Rubik's cube puzzle.
This photo is completely unaltered, including the text.
The octopus was actually saying that when the picture was taken.

i wool always love ewe

Swedish retail giant H&M has announced a boycott of products made from Australian wool, in response to animal cruelty complaints. What's so cruel about Australian wool, you ask? Well, there are a few things, but this boycott is focused on mulesing, which is basically the practice of cutting a sheep's ass off. Okay, okay, I'll concede that there's a little more to it than that, but it really does pretty much boil down to sheep ass removal; even John Mules would agree.

It's nice to see a mega corporation taking a stand for what's right, isn't it? Take a moment and join me in sending H&M a quick note of appreciation.

Trader Joe's has been my favorite grocery store for years. I've always enjoyed their quality products at quality prices, and especially their commitment to listening to the needs and desires of their customers. But all that has changed. After more that 25,000 customers, myself included, emailed the company HQ to ask that they follow the lead of their top two competitors - Whole Foods and Wild Oats/Henry's - and carry only cage-free eggs, the company blew us off as "an activist group" and posted a response on their web site, chock full of lies and misinformation, defending their refusal to listen to the concerns of their customers. Among said lies is the claim that egg production is carried out under strict FDA and USDA guidelines for humane treatment. The truth is, there are NO government guidelines whatsoever concerning treatment of laying hens. They also pointed out that the eggs they carry are "Animal Care Certified". Naturally, they failed to mention that the Better Business Bureau has declared twice that "Animal Care Certified" is a misleading label unsubstantiated by reality, and that the "Animal Care Certified" promotion is currently the subject of a false advertising lawsuit, as well as pending legal action by the Federal Trade Commission.

In 2002, Trader Joe's stopped carrying duck meat because of customer concerns over the inhumane treatment of ducks. But really, how many people buy duck, anyway? They could stop carrying duck meat, and not even have a noticeable cut in profits. But there's a lot more money to be made in eggs, so when faced with the exact same concern for a big money-making product, it's a lot cheaper to write off the customers as political zealots and bleeding-heart propagandists. It's nice to see Trader Joe's true values come to light. It's not the customers. It's not the community. It's not quality. It's MONEY. Nothing more, nothing less. They're just another greedy corporation that doesn't care about anything other than the bottom line. Well, I'm not gonna take it, and neither should you.

I urge you to do what I've already done about it. E-mail Trader Joe's and politely, but firmly, tell them that you expect them to practice what they preach and actually listen to their customers, and that you want them to stop carrying battery-cage eggs. In addition to e-mailing, call their customer comment hotline at (626)599-3817 (West Coast) or (781)455-7319 (East Coast) and politely tell them you want the company to sell only cage-free eggs.

As for me, until Trader Joe's repeals their statement branding me a political extremist and uninformed boob, I will be taking all of my business to Henry's, Baron's, and Whole Foods Market.

UPDATE: On November 7, 2005, Trader Joe's announced that all of their TJs brand eggs will henceforth be cage-free. As their brand constitutes the vat majority of the eggs they sell, this is fantastic news for chickens.

Okay everyone, you need to read this article. It's interesting on several levels: The first thought that comes to my head is how can anyone possibly make this mistake? It's really ridiculous. Second, I say it serves him right for using such moronic problem-solving strategies. If only this happened to everyone who sees life the way this guy does, the world would be a much better place. The third, and possibly most intriguing thought, is this guy doesn't seem all that bothered by what happened. If this happened to me, I'd be beside myself! And fourthly, what's up with the dog? It's like he's been waiting and waiting for this to happen, and now it's payday! Ain't no treat like a severed penis, eh?

Anyway, here's the article. Enjoy!

Romanian cuts off penis; dog eats it – MSNBC Reports
[EDIT: It's come to my attention that this story is no longer archived on MSNBC's website. Luckily, I managed to find the text:]

BUCHAREST (Reuters) - A elderly Romanian man mistook his penis for a chicken's neck, cut it off and his dog rushed up and ate it, the state Rompres news agency said Monday.

It said 67 year-old Constantin Mocanu, from a village near the southeastern town of Galati, rushed out into his yard in his underwear to kill a noisy chicken keeping him awake at night.

"I confused it with the chicken's neck," Mocanu, who was admitted to the emergency hospital in Galati, was quoted as saying. "I cut it ... and the dog rushed and ate it."

Doctors said the man, who was brought in by an ambulance bleeding heavily, was now out of danger.

Being a vegan isn't always easy when you live in a conservative town like San Diego. Ignorance comes in all shapes and forms, from the daily bombardment of jokes and wisecracks (promptly followed by "no offense," as if that changes anything); to the flabbergasted "You mean you don't even eat eggs???" asked with the same amazement and chagrin that would follow if I'd just revealed that I'm into bestiality; to the ever-popular, "Why the hell would you want to be a vegan?"; and everything in between.

Maybe I should revise my statement. Being a vegan isn't any harder in San Diego than it would be in Berkeley. There's no force compelling me to eat a cheeseburger or buy a new pair of leather tennis shoes. I mean, suppose you don't like alcohol. Not drinking isn't going to be a chore for you, even if you're a freshman at San Diego State University. Seeing as I'm thoroughly disgusted by animal products, not giving them my patronage is as natural to me as not driving a rusty screwdriver through my temple. Yes, saying it isn't easy isn't really accurate. I guess it'd be better to say it's frustrating. Frustrating because I'm surrounded day in and day out by self-absorbed ignorami who, for some reason or another, feel that because my lifestyle is different from theirs, I should therefore become the object of their scorn and contempt.

I was born lucky. I happen to be a white European male in slightly-upper-middle class southern California. I've never been the object of any form of racism or any major sexism, and my God is affiliated with the religion that happens to be the most popular one in America. I spent two decades enjoying the easy life that my DNA and geography happened to afford me, and it wasn't until I made the decision to stop eating animals that I was really on the outs with anybody. One deviation from mainstream culture and suddenly you've gone from an "us" to a "them." If you ever want to see which of your friends are real friends and which are just ignorant sods, all you have to do is go vegan. Trust me, it's much easier than going homosexual, and you'll get the same effect.


Answering criticism that their Chicken McNuggets are made from disgusting mechanically separated and recongealed chicken flesh, McDonalds announces their new "McIdentifiable" chicken product.