* Brent gets a woman.
* Abe Vigoda still alive.
* Talk of impeachment, pointless squabbles follow.
* Somebody I know gets engaged. Probably someone nobody would expect.
* I get my college degree, but not without complications.
* Someone from the past returns to shake things up a bit.
* Conspiracies revealed in multiple levels of government, indictments follow.
* A respected actor, a beloved comedian, and an international icon will all die. People will freak out, saying, "They always die in threes," ignoring the plethora of famous people who die all the time by themselves.
* More great disasters, thousands more killed.
* Caleb gets a full time job, a bachelor pad, and an STD.
* Brent gets three STD's.
* Someone gets fired.
* A wish comes true, but so does one of those "be careful what you wish for" wishes.
* I win the respect of an adversary, but probably make new adversaries in the process.
* I make a new friend, who turns out to be a pretty good one.
* I exercise fairly regularly.
* A good shirt gets ruined in the laundry.
* Get Smart released on DVD.
* Something huge happens in Europe.
* Big news concerning toilets.
* Madness, sheer madness.
a collection of musings on life, politics, culture, and humor.
December 31, 2005
December 17, 2005
bob cratchit would shoot you in the face if he got the chance.
If I hear one more person complain about this alleged "war on Christmas," I'm gonna slap them silly. Nobody is out to get rid of Christmas. There are no supervillains sitting in their lairs, concocting diabolical schemes to rid the world of Christmas once and for all, laughing heartily with their henchmen about how now Chanukah will be the big winter holiday.
Seriously, if someone who doesn't know you wants to give you a friendly greeting, do you really expect them to say, "Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, Happy Kwanzaa, Super Solstice, and Bitchin' Festivus, depending on whichever holiday you happen to celebrate, as well as Happy Thanksgiving, Boxing Day, and a Happy New Year too"? No, because not only would that be stupid, it would be a waste of everybody's time and an annoyance. So shut up and quit complaining about "Happy Holidays" and just be glad that you're not getting a laundry list of seasonal greetings that will just piss you off and make you late for your pilates.
But wait, it gets even worse. I was at Souplantation the other day, and there was a family sitting at the table next to mine, and the mom seemed very agitated that there was a "Happy Happy Hanukah" sign hanging on one of the doors, but not a "Merry Christmas" sign. She made a fuss about it and even asked her server why there's not a "Merry Christmas" sign. Of course he doesn't know or care about the background of the holiday decorations, so he says he'd have to ask the manager about it. As time went by, I heard her continue to complain to her family about it, and wonder aloud why she hasn't gotten an answer yet. Thankfully I resisted the urge, but I really wanted to just get up and throttle her and be like, "You see the Christmas lights hanging up in here? You see the Christmas wreaths on the doors and windows? You see how the dessert bar is adorned with holly and garland, and the pillar holding the ceiling up is wrapped in candy cane stripes? You see the red and green Christmas bows on every lamp in the building? You see that little Christmas tree by the coffee machine, with the little Christmas presents beneath it? Why isn't all this enough for you? Why are you so bent up about not having a 'Merry Christmas' sign on the door to the freaking broom closet? Yes, there is a 'Happy Happy Hanukah sign displayed in an effort to include Jewish customers in the festivities. Why is that so offensive to you? Do you hate Chanukah? Are you an anti-Semite? Would you prefer that we exclude Jews from our celebration? Huh? Well answer me!" Yeah, clearly Souplantation is fighting on the front lines of America's war on family values by not including a "Merry Christmas" banner among their many, many Christmas decorations.
And what's everybody's problem with "Xmas"? "Oh, that's secular America's attempt to take Christ out of Christmas!" they keep telling me. Bull freaking crap. If you bothered to do any amount of learning up on the subject before you started complaining, you'd know that the Greek letter Chi, which is identical to our letter X, is the first letter in the Greek spelling of "Christ", and has been used for nearly 20 centuries as a shorthand abbreviation for His name. That's taking Christ out of Christmas, alright. Just like "E-mail" is a plot to take "electronic" out of "electronic mail service".
As long as we're on the subject, am I the only one who finds it ironic that people get themselves so worked up about this supposed usurpation of Christ from Christmas, and how we need to remember the true meaning of the holiday... meanwhile they're stepping over homeless people freezing to death on the street, on their way to Wal-Mart to spend extravagant sums on unnecessary gadgets and toys that were made by 9-year-old sweatshop workers who slave 60+ hours a week to just survive? That's the true meaning of Christmas, alright. Glad you're here to defend it against those damn liberals who are trying to keep us from worshipping materialism -- I mean Jesus Christ -- this Christmas season.
So if you don't like the dechristianization of Christmas, instead of bitching about it all day long, why don't you do something to put Christ back into it? Stop worrying about buying stupid crap for people, and instead worry about what you can do to make someone's life a little better. Instead of handing your money over to line Sam Walton's pockets, why don't you use it to put food in someone's mouth, or shoes on some kid's feet? Turn off the Christmas lights and use the money you save on your electric bill to buy a few Meals on Wheels for people who can't leave their homes. Go visit some old people in the local nursing home; the only human contact those poor folks usually get is people trying to shove pills down their throats. Or how about taking all the time and energy you'd spend protesting "Xmas" and putting it towards helping out that single mom who works 50 hours a week and has three kids to take care of? You wanna get Christ back into Christmas? Go show His love to the people who need it most.
And stop shopping at freaking Wal-Mart.
Above: A man dressed in a Santa suit protests Wal-Mart's "Home for the Holidays" ad campaign, saying that it denies Christ and cheapens the meaning of Christmas, which apparently is Santa Claus.
Seriously, if someone who doesn't know you wants to give you a friendly greeting, do you really expect them to say, "Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, Happy Kwanzaa, Super Solstice, and Bitchin' Festivus, depending on whichever holiday you happen to celebrate, as well as Happy Thanksgiving, Boxing Day, and a Happy New Year too"? No, because not only would that be stupid, it would be a waste of everybody's time and an annoyance. So shut up and quit complaining about "Happy Holidays" and just be glad that you're not getting a laundry list of seasonal greetings that will just piss you off and make you late for your pilates.
But wait, it gets even worse. I was at Souplantation the other day, and there was a family sitting at the table next to mine, and the mom seemed very agitated that there was a "Happy Happy Hanukah" sign hanging on one of the doors, but not a "Merry Christmas" sign. She made a fuss about it and even asked her server why there's not a "Merry Christmas" sign. Of course he doesn't know or care about the background of the holiday decorations, so he says he'd have to ask the manager about it. As time went by, I heard her continue to complain to her family about it, and wonder aloud why she hasn't gotten an answer yet. Thankfully I resisted the urge, but I really wanted to just get up and throttle her and be like, "You see the Christmas lights hanging up in here? You see the Christmas wreaths on the doors and windows? You see how the dessert bar is adorned with holly and garland, and the pillar holding the ceiling up is wrapped in candy cane stripes? You see the red and green Christmas bows on every lamp in the building? You see that little Christmas tree by the coffee machine, with the little Christmas presents beneath it? Why isn't all this enough for you? Why are you so bent up about not having a 'Merry Christmas' sign on the door to the freaking broom closet? Yes, there is a 'Happy Happy Hanukah sign displayed in an effort to include Jewish customers in the festivities. Why is that so offensive to you? Do you hate Chanukah? Are you an anti-Semite? Would you prefer that we exclude Jews from our celebration? Huh? Well answer me!" Yeah, clearly Souplantation is fighting on the front lines of America's war on family values by not including a "Merry Christmas" banner among their many, many Christmas decorations.
And what's everybody's problem with "Xmas"? "Oh, that's secular America's attempt to take Christ out of Christmas!" they keep telling me. Bull freaking crap. If you bothered to do any amount of learning up on the subject before you started complaining, you'd know that the Greek letter Chi, which is identical to our letter X, is the first letter in the Greek spelling of "Christ", and has been used for nearly 20 centuries as a shorthand abbreviation for His name. That's taking Christ out of Christmas, alright. Just like "E-mail" is a plot to take "electronic" out of "electronic mail service".
As long as we're on the subject, am I the only one who finds it ironic that people get themselves so worked up about this supposed usurpation of Christ from Christmas, and how we need to remember the true meaning of the holiday... meanwhile they're stepping over homeless people freezing to death on the street, on their way to Wal-Mart to spend extravagant sums on unnecessary gadgets and toys that were made by 9-year-old sweatshop workers who slave 60+ hours a week to just survive? That's the true meaning of Christmas, alright. Glad you're here to defend it against those damn liberals who are trying to keep us from worshipping materialism -- I mean Jesus Christ -- this Christmas season.
So if you don't like the dechristianization of Christmas, instead of bitching about it all day long, why don't you do something to put Christ back into it? Stop worrying about buying stupid crap for people, and instead worry about what you can do to make someone's life a little better. Instead of handing your money over to line Sam Walton's pockets, why don't you use it to put food in someone's mouth, or shoes on some kid's feet? Turn off the Christmas lights and use the money you save on your electric bill to buy a few Meals on Wheels for people who can't leave their homes. Go visit some old people in the local nursing home; the only human contact those poor folks usually get is people trying to shove pills down their throats. Or how about taking all the time and energy you'd spend protesting "Xmas" and putting it towards helping out that single mom who works 50 hours a week and has three kids to take care of? You wanna get Christ back into Christmas? Go show His love to the people who need it most.
And stop shopping at freaking Wal-Mart.
Above: A man dressed in a Santa suit protests Wal-Mart's "Home for the Holidays" ad campaign, saying that it denies Christ and cheapens the meaning of Christmas, which apparently is Santa Claus.
November 28, 2005
Apparently English food is a big joke to the rest of the world. If I say something's good or bad, people say, "Oh, you should know, being the authority on good food and everything." But English cuisine doesn't get enough credit; we're actually quite talented. Who else could take any vegetable at all, boil the living shit out of it, and turn it into complete mush devoid of any taste whatsoever?
- Peter "P.K." Meyer
November 16, 2005
thefreakkingdom: Why is it that robots always become homicidal when they develop artificial intelligence?
thefreakkingdom: is that the benchmark for real intelligence? The desire to kill?
CalebJDuck: lol
CalebJDuck: apparently
thefreakkingdom: except Short Circuit
CalebJDuck: yes, but i'd be hard pressed to argue that he was really all that intelligent
thefreakkingdom: He did laugh at Steve Guttenberg, after all
CalebJDuck: haha, indeed
CalebJDuck: i rest my case
thefreakkingdom: is that the benchmark for real intelligence? The desire to kill?
CalebJDuck: lol
CalebJDuck: apparently
thefreakkingdom: except Short Circuit
CalebJDuck: yes, but i'd be hard pressed to argue that he was really all that intelligent
thefreakkingdom: He did laugh at Steve Guttenberg, after all
CalebJDuck: haha, indeed
CalebJDuck: i rest my case
November 5, 2005
October 24, 2005
September 20, 2005
What makes you think human beings are sentient and aware? There's no evidence for it. Human beings never think for themselves, they find it too uncomfortable. For the most part, members of our species simply repeat what they are told - and become upset if they are exposed to any different views. The characteristic human trait is not awareness but conformity, and the characteristic result is religious warfare. Other animals fight for territory or food; but, uniquely in the animal kingdom, human beings fight for their 'beliefs.' The reason is that beliefs guide behavior, which has evolutionary importance among human beings. But at a time when our behavior may well lead us to extinction, I see no reason to assume we have any awareness at all. We are stubborn, self-destructive conformists. Any other view of our species is just a self-congratulatory delusion.
-Ian Malcolm in The Lost World by Michael Crichton
August 17, 2005
To whom it may concern:
I'm not sure who's the joker behind this, but whoever told you that my genitals don't pack the punch they ought to was not serious. This being the case, I would appreciate it if you would remove my e-mail from your courtesy list. Although I sincerely appreciate your concern in this matter, I assure you I am not, in fact, in need of Viagra, Cialis, Levitra, or Russian Sex-Man Rhino Tablets. I thought that my lack of response would be a good enough indication that I'm not really interested in increasing my potency, but looking back now I can see that that just made it look like I was embarrassed to place an order, so you graciously sent me more and more advertisements, even making the effort to disguise the product names in clever ways, such as V1AGGRÁ and C.îALL1S, in case somebody came into my cubicle at work while I was ordering these drugs. Talk about going the extra mile! I sure do appreciate your efforts to remedy this hypothetical problem of mine in the most discrete and convenient manner (no prescription is even required! Wow!), but truth be told, my natural Caleb power can put to shame all of your miracle remedies combined, if they ever went head to head. Not that that's any of your business, though.
So as I said, I appreciate your efforts to provide me with affordable and convenient solutions to impotence, but I really don't need them at all. Thank you for clearing up this misunderstanding. I hate for your firm's efficiency to be compromised because of misdirected efforts, so I'm sure that correcting this error will be beneficial for both of us.
Sincerely,
Caleb B. Ruggiero
PS - If you're also the ones sending me notifications of ~*~College Girl Webcams~*~ and Hot Singles Who Want To Meet ME Tonight, please take note that I am in a very happy relationship and have no desire for your services. Thank you.
I'm not sure who's the joker behind this, but whoever told you that my genitals don't pack the punch they ought to was not serious. This being the case, I would appreciate it if you would remove my e-mail from your courtesy list. Although I sincerely appreciate your concern in this matter, I assure you I am not, in fact, in need of Viagra, Cialis, Levitra, or Russian Sex-Man Rhino Tablets. I thought that my lack of response would be a good enough indication that I'm not really interested in increasing my potency, but looking back now I can see that that just made it look like I was embarrassed to place an order, so you graciously sent me more and more advertisements, even making the effort to disguise the product names in clever ways, such as V1AGGRÁ and C.îALL1S, in case somebody came into my cubicle at work while I was ordering these drugs. Talk about going the extra mile! I sure do appreciate your efforts to remedy this hypothetical problem of mine in the most discrete and convenient manner (no prescription is even required! Wow!), but truth be told, my natural Caleb power can put to shame all of your miracle remedies combined, if they ever went head to head. Not that that's any of your business, though.
So as I said, I appreciate your efforts to provide me with affordable and convenient solutions to impotence, but I really don't need them at all. Thank you for clearing up this misunderstanding. I hate for your firm's efficiency to be compromised because of misdirected efforts, so I'm sure that correcting this error will be beneficial for both of us.
Sincerely,
Caleb B. Ruggiero
PS - If you're also the ones sending me notifications of ~*~College Girl Webcams~*~ and Hot Singles Who Want To Meet ME Tonight, please take note that I am in a very happy relationship and have no desire for your services. Thank you.
July 20, 2005
Trader Joe's has been my favorite grocery store for years. I've always enjoyed their quality products at quality prices, and especially their commitment to listening to the needs and desires of their customers. But all that has changed. After more that 25,000 customers, myself included, emailed the company HQ to ask that they follow the lead of their top two competitors - Whole Foods and Wild Oats/Henry's - and carry only cage-free eggs, the company blew us off as "an activist group" and posted a response on their web site, chock full of lies and misinformation, defending their refusal to listen to the concerns of their customers. Among said lies is the claim that egg production is carried out under strict FDA and USDA guidelines for humane treatment. The truth is, there are NO government guidelines whatsoever concerning treatment of laying hens. They also pointed out that the eggs they carry are "Animal Care Certified". Naturally, they failed to mention that the Better Business Bureau has declared twice that "Animal Care Certified" is a misleading label unsubstantiated by reality, and that the "Animal Care Certified" promotion is currently the subject of a false advertising lawsuit, as well as pending legal action by the Federal Trade Commission.
In 2002, Trader Joe's stopped carrying duck meat because of customer concerns over the inhumane treatment of ducks. But really, how many people buy duck, anyway? They could stop carrying duck meat, and not even have a noticeable cut in profits. But there's a lot more money to be made in eggs, so when faced with the exact same concern for a big money-making product, it's a lot cheaper to write off the customers as political zealots and bleeding-heart propagandists. It's nice to see Trader Joe's true values come to light. It's not the customers. It's not the community. It's not quality. It's MONEY. Nothing more, nothing less. They're just another greedy corporation that doesn't care about anything other than the bottom line. Well, I'm not gonna take it, and neither should you.
I urge you to do what I've already done about it. E-mail Trader Joe's and politely, but firmly, tell them that you expect them to practice what they preach and actually listen to their customers, and that you want them to stop carrying battery-cage eggs. In addition to e-mailing, call their customer comment hotline at (626)599-3817 (West Coast) or (781)455-7319 (East Coast) and politely tell them you want the company to sell only cage-free eggs.
As for me, until Trader Joe's repeals their statement branding me a political extremist and uninformed boob, I will be taking all of my business to Henry's, Baron's, and Whole Foods Market.
UPDATE: On November 7, 2005, Trader Joe's announced that all of their TJs brand eggs will henceforth be cage-free. As their brand constitutes the vat majority of the eggs they sell, this is fantastic news for chickens.
In 2002, Trader Joe's stopped carrying duck meat because of customer concerns over the inhumane treatment of ducks. But really, how many people buy duck, anyway? They could stop carrying duck meat, and not even have a noticeable cut in profits. But there's a lot more money to be made in eggs, so when faced with the exact same concern for a big money-making product, it's a lot cheaper to write off the customers as political zealots and bleeding-heart propagandists. It's nice to see Trader Joe's true values come to light. It's not the customers. It's not the community. It's not quality. It's MONEY. Nothing more, nothing less. They're just another greedy corporation that doesn't care about anything other than the bottom line. Well, I'm not gonna take it, and neither should you.
I urge you to do what I've already done about it. E-mail Trader Joe's and politely, but firmly, tell them that you expect them to practice what they preach and actually listen to their customers, and that you want them to stop carrying battery-cage eggs. In addition to e-mailing, call their customer comment hotline at (626)599-3817 (West Coast) or (781)455-7319 (East Coast) and politely tell them you want the company to sell only cage-free eggs.
As for me, until Trader Joe's repeals their statement branding me a political extremist and uninformed boob, I will be taking all of my business to Henry's, Baron's, and Whole Foods Market.
UPDATE: On November 7, 2005, Trader Joe's announced that all of their TJs brand eggs will henceforth be cage-free. As their brand constitutes the vat majority of the eggs they sell, this is fantastic news for chickens.
June 28, 2005
this has got to be one of the greatest moments in american history
By now I'm sure most of you have heard about the abhorrent June 23 Supreme Court ruling in "Kelo vs. City of New London", which expands eminent domain laws to allow the government to seize private property from one person and give it to another person, who can use it for anything and everything he pleases, if it will result in higher government revenues via taxes and stuff. This means that if someone wants to build a hotel, or a strip mall, or heck, even a strip club where your house is currently sitting, the City can condemn your home, boot you out, and hand the land over to the developer to do as he pleases. "Sorry, this porno club contributes more to the economy than your house does, you jackass," the City will say to you as it spits on your shoes, kicks you in the ass and laughs at you as you try to fit all five of your kids in a refrigerator box behind the bowling alley.
"This is terrible! Why did you say this is one of the greatest moments in American history, you twisted freak?" you may be asking. Keep reading, bub, I'm getting to that.
In a great ironic twist in the tale, Logan Darrow Clements, CEO of Freestar Media, LLC, aims to take advantage of this ruling to have 34 Cilley Hill Road in Weare, New Hampshire condemned to make way for a new hotel. What's so great about that, you ask? 34 Cilley Hill Road just happens to be Supreme Court Justice David H. Souter's home! That's right, one of the justices responsible for one of the greatest outrages in American History is about to fall victim to his own doings in one of the sweetest acts of protest to ever take place.
As if that's not enough, the proposed hotel is called "The Lost Liberty Hotel" and will include the "Just Desserts Cafe" and a museum highlighting the decline of American liberties.
I think this hotel is a fantastic idea, and if I had any money at all, I'd definitely invest in it. I hope it's a success, because the Court ruled 5-4 on this issue, and that means we need another four hotels built stat.
"This is terrible! Why did you say this is one of the greatest moments in American history, you twisted freak?" you may be asking. Keep reading, bub, I'm getting to that.
In a great ironic twist in the tale, Logan Darrow Clements, CEO of Freestar Media, LLC, aims to take advantage of this ruling to have 34 Cilley Hill Road in Weare, New Hampshire condemned to make way for a new hotel. What's so great about that, you ask? 34 Cilley Hill Road just happens to be Supreme Court Justice David H. Souter's home! That's right, one of the justices responsible for one of the greatest outrages in American History is about to fall victim to his own doings in one of the sweetest acts of protest to ever take place.
As if that's not enough, the proposed hotel is called "The Lost Liberty Hotel" and will include the "Just Desserts Cafe" and a museum highlighting the decline of American liberties.
I think this hotel is a fantastic idea, and if I had any money at all, I'd definitely invest in it. I hope it's a success, because the Court ruled 5-4 on this issue, and that means we need another four hotels built stat.
June 12, 2005
I was at the deli the other day having some lunch, and the TV was tuned to this stupid daytime show for people who have no lives of their own, called "Celebrity Justice". The announcer had just introduced the show's top story of the day with the headline, "The latest news in the Michael Jackson trial", when I hear a voice beside me go, "Did they hang him?" Not wanting to encourage an idiot in any way, I ignored the comment and took another bite from my sandwich. But of course, it's never that simple. Idiots persevere. "Is that an option?" I heard the voice say again, "can they hang him?" I looked over to my right to see a thirty-something doofus looking directly at me, ear to ear grin on his stupid face, awaiting my approval of his oh-so-clever remarks. I raised my eyebrows and let out a very unenthusiastic "heh", and continued with my sandwich. This seemed to please the moron, and he turned his gaze back to the TV, now feeling very validated. This exchange got me to thinking. What is it about unwitty people that makes them think anybody wants to hear their stupid comments? I don't even know this guy, and he's attempting really crappy jokes with me. It wasn't even funny. There was no wit in his comment, no fast thinking or cleverness whatsoever. He just blurted out the first rubbish thing that entered his mind. Not only did this complete lack of substance keep him from opening his big mouth in the first place, but he kept on going even after I ignored him the first time. I wonder what goes on in the head of someone like that? "Well, that didn't go over so well, did it? Maybe it'll be funnier if I say the exact same thing, only louder!"
April 15, 2005
So you definitely need to check this out.
But don't take my word for it, check out the testimonials:
There you have it! Enjoy yourself.
But don't take my word for it, check out the testimonials:
There you have it! Enjoy yourself.
April 2, 2005
Baby, Have A Space Head
An epic poem by Caleb Benjamin Ruggiero
Still feeling a little sick
Although it's mainly just congestion now
And constant need for water
Don't you love me anymore?
Huffing Vicks® straight from the jar
I even put some in my nostrils
Then I read the label and it said not to do that
Don't break my heart, baby.
My bottle is 1.5 liters
I go through about six a day
Talk about thirsty!
You used to be so sweet
Baby, you used to have a space head.
I don't like being sick
And I don't like the ache of losing that such a loss brings
Why don't you do me like before, baby?
Baby, why don't you have a space head.
An epic poem by Caleb Benjamin Ruggiero
Still feeling a little sick
Although it's mainly just congestion now
And constant need for water
Don't you love me anymore?
Huffing Vicks® straight from the jar
I even put some in my nostrils
Then I read the label and it said not to do that
Don't break my heart, baby.
My bottle is 1.5 liters
I go through about six a day
Talk about thirsty!
You used to be so sweet
Baby, you used to have a space head.
I don't like being sick
And I don't like the ache of losing that such a loss brings
Why don't you do me like before, baby?
Baby, why don't you have a space head.
March 13, 2005
I had a dream last night that Gary Williams from church was shot and killed in a convenience store holdup. I told him this when I saw him this morning, and it really freaked him out. John Stafford, who was standing next to him at the time, remarked, "Hey, that's really weird, because I had a dream that I killed him!" Gary laughed, but I think he was crying on the inside.
February 11, 2005
If I was a paranoid person, I'd be crapping my pants right now.
I was laying on my couch, listening to some nice mellow music, and on the verge of falling asleep, when I was abruptly jarred awake by my cell phone, which was set to ring at the highest volume possible.
The number on the caller ID wasn't anybody I knew, but I could tell by the prefix that it was a Verizon cell phone from the part of town I live in. I figured it was one of my friends calling from someone else's phone. I answered, even though I'm already 100 minutes over my contract this month.
I'm really still not exactly sure what happened next, but apparently, I was intended to be a booty call of some kind, forwarded by a radio station I had never heard of, as an answer to this girl's attempt to request a song, or something like that. She had no idea why they'd send her to me, I had no idea why they'd have my number, and direct young girls to it, and I don't think either of us really understood what this booty call business was all about, or how we got tangled up in it. We asked each other dumb questions like, "who are you?" and "what's going on?", and once both of us were confident that we were talking to each other only by some sort of bizarre mistake, and not because one of us was dicking with the other, we laughed briefly (hers sounded like a very uneasy laugh), commented on the strangeness of the situation, and parted ways.
I told her I hoped she enjoyed her booty call.
She said it was very gratifying, and then closed with, "Bye, person I've never met!"
"Bye, person I don't know," I replied, but I think she'd already hung up at that point.
I was laying on my couch, listening to some nice mellow music, and on the verge of falling asleep, when I was abruptly jarred awake by my cell phone, which was set to ring at the highest volume possible.
The number on the caller ID wasn't anybody I knew, but I could tell by the prefix that it was a Verizon cell phone from the part of town I live in. I figured it was one of my friends calling from someone else's phone. I answered, even though I'm already 100 minutes over my contract this month.
I'm really still not exactly sure what happened next, but apparently, I was intended to be a booty call of some kind, forwarded by a radio station I had never heard of, as an answer to this girl's attempt to request a song, or something like that. She had no idea why they'd send her to me, I had no idea why they'd have my number, and direct young girls to it, and I don't think either of us really understood what this booty call business was all about, or how we got tangled up in it. We asked each other dumb questions like, "who are you?" and "what's going on?", and once both of us were confident that we were talking to each other only by some sort of bizarre mistake, and not because one of us was dicking with the other, we laughed briefly (hers sounded like a very uneasy laugh), commented on the strangeness of the situation, and parted ways.
I told her I hoped she enjoyed her booty call.
She said it was very gratifying, and then closed with, "Bye, person I've never met!"
"Bye, person I don't know," I replied, but I think she'd already hung up at that point.
February 4, 2005
I just saw something that made me want to cry.
Son of the Mask is undisputedly the worst idea anyone has had in the past ten years. Even worse than Blue Superman. Worse than Jurassic Park 3. Yes, even worse than electing George W. Bush a second time.
Before you become enraged and disappointed in me, don't worry, I didn't actually see the movie. But I just watched the trailer, after which I tore my clothes, put on sackcloth and ashes, and wept bitterly. How could anyone be so heartless as to inflict this scourge upon American society? Aren't we still healing from 9/11, George W., and the breakup of Hall & Oates? This nation can't handle another tragedy like this!
The thing that made The Mask cool eleven years ago was the fact that it was the first movie to ever use that kind of computer animation. Nobody could believe their eyes!
"Did Jim Carey's head REALLY just turn into a cartoon wolf?"
"It must have! There exist no special effects that can do THAT to a man!"
Do you remember all the magazine articles and tv specials about The Mask, explaining how computer animation works? Do you remember all the talk about how this movie will change the face of filmmaking forever? That was because all that stuff was cutting-edge back then! Now, eleven years later, it's not cool anymore! Nearly every movie that comes out uses some kind of computer animation these days. So how can you make a sequel to a movie, which was based entirely around the fact that people would think the animation was cool (didn't ya notice there was no PLOT?), try to use the same tricks as eleven years ago (which everyone is sick of by now), and expect it to be even slightly more entertaining than attending a New Found Glory concert. It's no different than making a movie and having everyone yell and sing and ring bells because people were impressed by Talkies 70 years ago.
Hoping nobody gets it into their heads to make a 9th Gate sequel,
-Caleb
Son of the Mask is undisputedly the worst idea anyone has had in the past ten years. Even worse than Blue Superman. Worse than Jurassic Park 3. Yes, even worse than electing George W. Bush a second time.
Before you become enraged and disappointed in me, don't worry, I didn't actually see the movie. But I just watched the trailer, after which I tore my clothes, put on sackcloth and ashes, and wept bitterly. How could anyone be so heartless as to inflict this scourge upon American society? Aren't we still healing from 9/11, George W., and the breakup of Hall & Oates? This nation can't handle another tragedy like this!
The thing that made The Mask cool eleven years ago was the fact that it was the first movie to ever use that kind of computer animation. Nobody could believe their eyes!
"Did Jim Carey's head REALLY just turn into a cartoon wolf?"
"It must have! There exist no special effects that can do THAT to a man!"
Do you remember all the magazine articles and tv specials about The Mask, explaining how computer animation works? Do you remember all the talk about how this movie will change the face of filmmaking forever? That was because all that stuff was cutting-edge back then! Now, eleven years later, it's not cool anymore! Nearly every movie that comes out uses some kind of computer animation these days. So how can you make a sequel to a movie, which was based entirely around the fact that people would think the animation was cool (didn't ya notice there was no PLOT?), try to use the same tricks as eleven years ago (which everyone is sick of by now), and expect it to be even slightly more entertaining than attending a New Found Glory concert. It's no different than making a movie and having everyone yell and sing and ring bells because people were impressed by Talkies 70 years ago.
Hoping nobody gets it into their heads to make a 9th Gate sequel,
-Caleb
January 11, 2005
1. I've been sick, but I'm getting better. Right now it's at that stage where I feel fine, but have lots of snot... which isn't too far off from my normal state.
2. I've been having really weird dreams lately. The other night I dreamed that Conan O'Brien was so impressed by the fact that I drink out of a canteen, that he told me I had a very good chance of getting featured on his Spring Break tour. Yeah, I don't know what that means either, but it was cool.
2. I've been having really weird dreams lately. The other night I dreamed that Conan O'Brien was so impressed by the fact that I drink out of a canteen, that he told me I had a very good chance of getting featured on his Spring Break tour. Yeah, I don't know what that means either, but it was cool.
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