January 15, 2009

mrs. watson-parker was unavailable for comment

Well, I got on the boat pretty late, and chances are you did too. Did you know that a website has been set up for citizens to suggest and vote on policies for Obama's incoming administration? Apparently the Top 10 ideas, as determined by voting, will be presented to Obama and the 111th Congress for full consideration. That doesn't mean the Top 10 ideas will automatically be enacted, naturally (and once you see some of the top votes, you'll be glad that's the case), but Obama does seem pretty keen on involving the electorate in shaping his administration, so I wouldn't discount the contest as a waste of time, either.

While I'm wholeheartedly against the use of "voter guides", I do think it's a valuable exercise to discuss the issues on the table. I'd love to write about each of the ten initiatives I voted for (and some of the ones I didn't), but I simply don't have the time for that today. I will, however, tackle one of the issues. I'm writing about this one because it is, at the time of this writing, in first place among all the dozens of initiatives on the website, so it's obviously important to a lot of people. And obviously, since I voted for it, it's important to me too.

Ideas for Change: Legalize the Medicinal and Recreational Use of Marijuana.

Before I go any further, let me just say that using any recreational drugs, including marijuana, is stupid, and I do not endorse drug use or abuse in any way. Having said that, though, I do endorse the idea that adults should have the right to make their own personal health decisions, and the federal government has no right whatsoever to dictate what can and cannot be consumed by an individual, provided it doesn't harm anyone besides the moron doing it. The government acknowledges that we should be allowed to destroy our bodies and minds with tobacco and alcohol, yet doing the same with cannabis is prohibited. It simply doesn't make sense.

But restoring individual rights isn't the only benefit to decriminalizing the reefer; it would also make a pretty decent dent in the federal defecit, and right now we need whatever dents we can get. Think about it: We currently have pigovian taxes on tobacco, alcohol, and other harmful taxable items, ostensibly to discourage use and help pay for any damage they cause. Marijuana would certainly be a candidate for such a tax, so why not legalize it for the sake of the much-needed tax revenue it would generate? Even greater than the money it would bring in, is the money it would save. How much cash are we pouring into police, FBI, DEA, state and federal courts, county jails, state and federal prisons, probation and parole departments, et cetera, et cetera, ad nauseam, in order to combat marijuana? Now imagine not spending all those millions every year.

Decriminalizing pot would drastically reduce crime, too – particularly organized crime. If marijuana could be grown openly on American farms, the drug cartels would lose much of their power. This would result in a drop in violent crime, which would not only save lives, but law enforcement and emergency services resources as well (and again, the tax dollars that support such services). Now I'm not so naive as to think that the cartels wouldn't bounce back, finding other drugs to subsidize their losses... which is why I also advocate legalizing many other illicit drugs, thereby taking away pretty much all of their power... but we're talking about a marijuana initiative, so I won't spend any more time talking about other drugs. Perhaps I'll delve further into it in a future post.

But wait, this isn't Denmark! I don't want to be running into long-haired stoners every time I turn a corner, or share the highways with reefer-headed space cadets! Hey, neither do I, and don't worry, that won't happen. There are already laws in place in all 50 states (correct me if I'm wrong) against public intoxication, DUI, and DWI, and it'll remain just as illegal to swagger around stoned as it is to stumble around drunk. Let's not throw the baby our common sense out with the bathwater ridiculous and unconstitutional federal laws.

So that's my rationale behind voting to legalize marijuana for medicinal and recreational use. It may be controversial, but I stand by it. Washington, Adams, Jefferson, and Franklin would stand by it too.

January 6, 2009

i hope his judgment is better than mine...

Good heavens, is this really happening?

President-elect Obama has reportedly chosen former Clinton chief of staff Leon Panetta to head the CIA, despite his having no experience whatsoever with intelligence [insert painfully obvious, minimally funny joke here]. What's going on, Mr. Obama? You're not George Bush; we elected you on the understanding that you're intelligent enough to not pull this kind of crap.

As of this writing, the Panetta pick is just a leak, and has not been officially announced. That means you still have time, Mr. Obama, to scrap this bad idea and choose someone remotely highly qualified for one of the most important jobs on the planet. You can even save face by telling the press that the leak, like freedom, oh freedom, was just some people talking.

Please don't screw this up, Mr. Obama. Now is not the time to be appointing inexperienced leaders. The guys over at FOX News would just have too much fun with that.

January 5, 2009

for the serious DYI-er

Don't you wish you could perform surgery without any formal training? Sure, we all do. And now, thanks to the magic of video games, you can!


Live your dream of cutting people open with no training whatsoever.

In Alan Probe: Amateur Surgeon, you control Alan Probe: Amateur Surgeon as he uses tools from the back of his pizza van, and the encouragement of a drunken derelict, to do complicated surgery on bums, criminals, and area lowlifes.

It's probably not the greatest flash game you'll ever play, but I found it amusing.

hello, i love you

January 2, 2009

if you like pina coladas, and getting caught in the rain hiding naked in the closet by a jealous husband with a loaded gun

I saw an ad a couple of years ago for a divorce lawyer that was truly tasteless, and really shocking. Now keep in mind that I've viewed – multiple times – goatse, lemon party, and well, a lot of 4chan... so when I find something tasteless and shocking, it really means something.

Sandwiched between two soap opera-esque pseudo-suggestive photos (soap-core porn, perhaps?) was the text, "Life's short. Get a divorce." Now if I have to explain my problems with this, I doubt that any explanation would actually get the point through... so I'm just going to assume that everyone reading this is in agreement that this particular divorce lawyer is scum both a prime symptom of, and a contributor to, our woefully depraved culture.


The ad in question, which I guess is sexy for people who were into cheap hookers in the mid 80s.

For all the impact that ad made in my mind, it came and left my memory about as quickly as that punch bowl of Spamburger Helper I put down in 2001 (ie., it took a few days, but when it did leave, it did so with great haste). I hadn't thought of it since.

Until tonight.

I was perusing the internets this evening when my eye was caught by an ad with a very similar slogan to the one on that sleazy lawyer's mobile billboard:


Life is short. Just like that window in the 90s when this ad's layout actually looked edgy.

Did I seriously just see that? Curious as to whether this was a legitimate ad or some sort of gag link, I decided to visit the website (entering the url manually, so as to not benefit slime like this with a clickthrough) to see what I could find. Sure enough, it was exactly what the ad, um, advertised.


Join today, and blow/get blown by a hot, lecherous harlot tomorrow!

Yes ladies and gentlemen, it is indeed a dating site specifically designed for married men and women who want to cheat on their spouses. I can't even put into words how sleazy this is. It's like a bar that drums up business at the local AA meeting. Only not at all, really. Sorry, that was a really contrived simile. Like I said, words can't describe.

And, just in case you thought it couldn't possible get any slimier, get a load of this excerpt from their FAQ section:


Just like NAMBLA does not encourage pedophilia.

Slime city! So slimy, in fact, that I spontaneously erupted in a TMNT-era interjection just now! Granted that's not hard to make me do, but still! What a bold lie statement to make. If you read the rest of the FAQ, you'll find a whole page of nothing but lies and spin to make Ashley Madison feel better about herself for facilitating the destruction of countless relationships. It's like listening to George Bush in the 2004 debates. I'm not sure whether to be angry with such obvious attempts at justifying the overwhelming sleaze, or to pity her for resorting to such wafer-thin delusions in order to stave off acceptance of being an opportunistic, money-grubbing pervert.

The maximizer in me wants to bridge an alliance between the adultery-is-the-new-skydiving webmaster and the divorce-is-the-new-Corvette lawyer to create a one-stop "Life Is Short" home wrecking shop. It'd be like an ambulance driver that cuts the brakes on all the cars in the parking lot. But of course, the part of me that's not a life-sucking bastard would rather spend my energy encouraging people to honor the sanctity of their vows, not piss all over them.