2010 predictions revisited

Much like Brent's kidney stone, the year 2010 was a long, unpleasant, and mostly regrettable affair. But, also like Brent's kidney stone, it has finally passed. Now granted, there were some really good things that happened this year, like... nevermind. All I can say is, good riddance, 2010. May you be blotted from memory and shat on by oxen.

Anyway, let's move on to seeing how my predictions for this year fared...

* Brent surprises everyone with big news concerning his vocation and/or a dame.
Minus one. To my knowledge, Brent maintained status quo on these fronts. But he graduates next year, and I have a hunch this prediction will be made again, with success this time around.

A photo of Brent one year from now.

* Brent surprises absolutely no one with yet another round of STIs, this time including one or more that baffles the entire field of medicine.
Plus one. Again, Brent maintains the status quo.

* No fewer than four engagements, at least two of which make people's heads explode in cognitive dissonance.
Plus one. Two of the most surprising were my old friends Andrew and Craig (not to each other; to actual human women). These two were surprising because they'd both been in long-term relationships that had long passed the "now is the time people usually get engaged" mark and wandered deep into "I guess they're going to just skip that part, despite the tax benefits" territory.

* I will utterly destroy at least one shirt and one pair of pants somehow. Questionable jokes naturally follow.
Plus one. This prediction came true within the first month of the year, as I recall. Man those were good pants.

This umpire and I have exactly one thing in common.

* Expensive maintenance on my car :-(
Plus one, unfortunately. I spent at least the trade-in value of my car in repairs over the course of the year, which was a big contributing factor to 2010 being such a sucky suck of a year.

* Something I create gets published, but I don't benefit much from it.
Plus one. I had the privilege of doing the cover art for a children's book of poetry this year. I got paid for the gig, but true to the prediction, haven't seen much benefit beyond that, aside from the satisfaction of having my artwork published. Also true to the prediction, due to an ISBN error which bureaucracy has prevented from being fixed, a sideways photo of the author's grandson shows up as the cover art instead of my picture, so I don't even get the benefit of being able to show you my work.

This is not what I spent weeks drawing.

* I am a member of a band for at least two days. Awkward coughing into a microphone almost certain.
Minus one. I didn't even do karaoke this year, which is another reason it was a very bad year.

* Someone I know dies, gets injured, or gets very sick. I hope I'm wrong about this one.
Minus one. Sadly, I was not wrong about this one. My grandfather, who was fine at the start of the year, experienced a sudden decline and died around Easter. Next time, I'm predicting that people get unexpectedly well instead.

* Huge financial news that affects pretty much everyone. Better be something good.
Plus one. You may remember that on February 22, the Credit Card Reform Act took effect, greatly limiting the extent to which credit companies can swindle their clientele, as well as allowing people to carry concealed weapons in national parks (wait, what?). And there was also that little blip on the map called the Affordable Health Care for America Act that was signed into law on March 23, which I'm told was a big f***ing deal. There was also the BP oil spill sustained 3-month-long gush, which has affected all US taxpayers more than most of us realize. And of course the most recent event is the extension of the Bush-era tax cuts for all Americans, including those making $200,000+ a year. This effects everyone, even those making less than 200k, because of the ripple effect on the economy (positive in terms of consumer spending, negative in terms of the federal deficit).

For some reason, Republicans felt very strongly that this is an integral part of credit card reform.

* A major natural disaster shocks the world -- even cynical jerks like me. Obama will be criticized for it, regardless of where it takes place.
Plus one half. Who can forget the horrors of the 2010 Haiti earthquake? The devastation was practically immeasurable due to the shoddy infrastructure so common in third world countries. This one only get plus one half because the second part of the prediction didn't come true in any serious form, save for an irate Facebook comment left by a former co-worker of mine who was livid that Obama dispatched humanitarian aid to help the quake's victims, because, well, f*ck Haiti.

* A professional athlete faces a violent death, and Mitt Romney makes national headlines. These two are in no way related, but I'm putting them in the same prediction just to spice things up a little.
Plus one. The 2010 Winter Olympics were sullied by the death of Georgian luge athlete Nodar Kumaritashvili shortly before the games began. Technically speaking, Olympic athletes aren't professionals, but I still think it counts. As far as Mitt Romney goes, there's been buzz about him being a possibility for the next round of GOP Presidential candidates; I know that's not quite as exciting as I'd hoped, but I'll take it.

* Polka polka polka!
Plus one. I've heard so much Mexican Polka at this new taco shop that opened near my apartment, it's ridiculous. I don't know how Mexican folks can stand that much polka, but I guess it's not so bad when you consider the fact that at least it's not Smashmouth.

* The out-of-control cab ride to hell that has been ladies' fashion this decade hits an all-time low, and even Dov Charney must admit things are getting way too fugly for anyone's good.
Plus one. Oh hell, plus twenty is more like it. Have you seen those shirts that have shorts attached to them? What the hell is that? And what about those bathing suits that have a huge stripe down the front. What's that even supposed to be? I swear, all the fashion designers are playing a huge prank on the American people, laughing and high fiving at the things they manage to convince idiots the general public are good looking.

Somehow, somebody's convinced people that this actually looks good.

* The Love Boat becomes relevant again, and nobody is better off for it.
Minus one, thank goodness. A lot of terrible ideas from decades past have been revamped this year (The A-Team, Nightmare on Elm Street, Karate Kid, Tron), but fortunately, The Love Boat did not make the list.

* Only a moderate amount of madness, but a very liberal heaping of antics.
Minus one. It was actually only moderate antics, with very liberal amounts of madness.

All in all, my predictions were 63.3% accurate this year. If not for that one half point, I'd have been right exactly 2/3 of the time. Heck, if this was baseball, I'd be in the hall of fame with that average.

Ty Cobb, the greatest batter in the history of baseball, only had a .366 average, which is 42% worse than I did this year. Psh, what a loser.

like inception, but not

I had a 4-layered dream last night. You ever have one of those? It's a dream, within a dream, within a dream, within a dream. I've had a number of layered dreams in my life, and sometimes they're pretty cool (although never Inception cool), but usually they're a drag. My most common layer-dream is akin to Groundhog Day, and I just repeat the waking up, showering, getting dressed, and leaving for work routine over and over and over again. Then, when I finally wake up for real, I'm so exhausted from having gone through my morning routine - only to realize that I have to do it all over again - so many times, that I may as well have not even slept.

Fortunately, last night's layer-dream was not as repetitive. In the first layer, I was at a stand-up club. It was a dark and smokey joint like you see in old movies. I don't really remember anything about this layer except that one of the comedians had a quip which I would be trying to recall throughout all the other layers. It was little more than a plot device.

The second layer had something to do with a cooking show. I'm pretty sure croissants was the lesson of the day. I was on the cooking show, and there came the perfect moment to use the brilliant quip I had heard in my previous dream. I attempted to say it, but couldn't quite remember it, and it ended with me looking and feeling quite the fool as I rambled on in a vain attempt to cover the fact that I forgot the punchline. Perhaps because the embarrassment was so great, or perhaps because it was just time, I then woke up from that layer.

The third layer was by far the stupidest. I was working with a drama team I used to work with, and we were to create a live stage version of Alvin & The Chipmunks. I got cast as Simon, which even in a stupid dream I knew was a terrible decision. Our set was three oversized building blocks (don't ask) and a bedroom with bunk beds (again, don't ask). During one of our brainstorming sessions, I kept thinking of that great quip I had heard in the dream within a dream I had just had. It would be great for the show, I thought. But try as I may, I simply could not remember it. Darn! Alvin & The Chipmunks will just have to proceed sans clever one-liner.

Layer three ended, and I awoke in the back seat of a limo heading toward the airport. I was wearing a suit, and the man next to me was carrying one of those Halliburton briefcases. I just remember being overwhelmed with the thought, Thank God I'm not really in an Alvin & The Chipmunks stage show!... And what was that funny line I was trying to remember in all three layers of my dream? It was a really good one! I asked the guy with the briefcase if he knew anything about the line in my dream, and he responded by telling me that's a damned stupid question. He was cool though, and tried to help jog my memory, but to no avail.

Then, I woke up. For real this time. I went about my day and frequently thought what a good thing it is that I'm not really in an Alvin & The Chipmunks stage show. And by frequently, I mean I'm counting my blessings every minute of the day. I saw my girlfriend, and told her about this weird four-layer dream I had, in which I kept trying to remember a great quip that I heard in the first layer. I wished I could tell her what it was, but it was still just not coming to me. Oh well. We went on with our day.

And then, seemingly out of nowhere, it hit me. Four layers of waking up and trying to remember, and now I finally got it. The one-liner that plagued my sleep was finally to be known. And what was it?

Dang, this is almost as bland and unfulfilling as Jay Leno's punchlines!

I know, I know. What a letdown.

You might say it's almost as much of a letdown as Jay Leno's punchlines! Hey-ohhhh!