in the critical thinking gang, the initiation is to use google

The forwards are going around. Perhaps you've already gotten one (or seven). I just started getting the mass text message forwards about an hour ago, which warn of a shooting to take place at Walmart in which you, or someone you know, may be a target:

Do not go to wal-mart. Gang initiation to shoot 3 women tonight. Not sure which wal-mart. Confirmed on tv. Send to all girls.

I immediately dismissed this as a hoax, as it has more red flags than a Chinese New Year parade. First off, there are no specifics details included – no mention of a city, metro area, or even state in which this is supposed to take place. It could be anywhere! It may not happen at my local Walmart... but it could! What better way to cause widespread panic among people who don't use Google than to imply that it could happen anywhere in the country (including where you are right now!).

Second red flag is the lack of credible source. Someone writing a genuine warning would be sure to include where the information is coming from, so that others will take it seriously; that source would most likely be a police department or local news outlet. "Confirmed on tv" doesn't cut it, except for those among us who tend to forward first and think critically later.

Third red flag is the sheer implausibility of the situation. For one, gang initiations generally involve some form of property crime (stealing stuff, breaking into things), and/or getting your ass kicked by the other gangsters. Shooting random people as an initiation is purely the stuff of urban legends and "Fwd: Fwd: FW: Fwd: Fwd:Fwd:" emails your grandma sends you. Even if a gang did institute such an initiation, though, you wouldn't be hearing about it through a text or email forward. The initiation would be first known to the police, who would probably not release it to the general public (hopefully), as widespread panic is generally something police departments absolutely want to avoid. You and I would probably never even know about said initiation, except for the news report later that night about a group of plainclothes cops who gunned down a wannabe gangster when he tried to shoot somebody in the Health & Beauty aisle.

EDIT: Although random murder as a rite of passage is uncommon, I didn't mean to imply that it never happens. Unfortunately for people like these girls and this man, it is indeed a sad, albeit rare, reality.

So please, ladies and gentlemen, use your heads before you forward warnings about gang initiations, poison dog food, and waking up in a bathtub full of ice without your kidneys. Does it seem implausible, vague, or incredible? It's probably crap. If you think it might be credible, or you just would rather be safe than sorry, please check out Snopes first, or at least run a simple Google search to make sure you're not simply perpetuating a problem.

somehow, this seemed perfectly reasonable to them

Good news for all of you procrastinators, lazy slobs, and irresponsible schmucks: your failure to do things right just may pay off for you!

Take these 88 University students in England who failed to submit their housing papers on time. When they found themselves without dorms (the logical consequence), the school was gracious enough to accommodate them anyway, and found a place for them to stay. Pretty nice of them, huh? But there's a fine line between nice and asinine, and since I'm writing about it here, I think we all know which side of the line they chose.

Nice would be making some grad student dorms, or other similar accommodations, available for the self-displaced students; really nice would be bringing in some modular housing, and perhaps charging them for the added expense (and even that would be a little much, I think). But the school catapulted straight over the nice-line and landed square in the heart of asinine country when they decided to put them up in a 5-star luxury hotel, complete with gourmet food, bubbling jacuzzis, and more high-end hookers than you can shake a stick at. And with rooms going for £50-£120 per day, we're looking at a £700-£1680 bill per room for the two weeks it took for the university to find more appropriate housing. So that means, assuming that students were paired two-per-room, that the final bill was somewhere between £30,800-£73,920 (or $53,548-$128,515 US dollars), not including meals. And the really nice part for the students? They paid the same rate for this Home Alone 2-style adventure as their dorm-dwelling counterparts, with the school generously picking up the difference.

So slackers and half-wits, take heart! If you tend to fail at life, rejoice! For Leicester University has set a bold precedent, and you can now fail no more. Forgot to go to class all semester? No problem, they'll probably give you an A out of pity. Did you shite on the department head's shoes? Don't worry, they'll make you Dean. The more epic your fail, the greater your win! How can you possibly go wrong?

[Related story.]

as american as apple pie, ADD, and obesity

Independence Day has a long and proud history of holiday tradition: Cholesterol, explosives, heat stroke, drunk driving, cheap ass plastic hats, and historically inaccurate chain emails about our Founding Fathers.

Call me unpatriotic*, but after seeing the same email go around year after year, I'm beginning to grow a little weary of that latter tradition. So my fellow Americans, allow me to introduce you to Snopes' dismantling of an American tradition. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

And happy Fourth, of course.



*Unpatriotic (adj.): believing in liberty, freedom, truth, responsibility, and the Constitution. see also: commie; libtard; fag; and Thomas Jefferson.

this ain't a scene classroom, it's an arms race educational nightmare

There's a local radio station here in San Diego that recognizes outstanding teachers, and likes to tout the slogan "teachers make a difference".

Well, I just read about a very outstanding teacher in Florida who's made a huge difference in the lives of her pupils that won't be soon forgotten. That being said, though, keep in mind that "outstanding" doesn't always imply "in a good way", and "making a difference" isn't always a positive thing.

Wendy Portillo, a kindergarten teacher in Port St. Lucie, Florida, had her students vote one of their classmates out of the class. As if that's not bad enough, she added a heaping dose of public humiliation to that sundae by having him stand in front of the class while his peers announced what they dislike about him, calling him "annoying" and "disgusting", among other things.

Alex Barton, the five-year-old boy who was voted off Survivor-style and forced to spend the rest of the day in the nurse's office, has a history of disciplinary problems which may be attributed in part to Asperger's syndrome, which is a developmental disorder in the same family as austism. This makes an already repugnant episode all the more alarming. Alex should indeed be removed from his class, but not because his teacher and classmates dislike him -- he should be taken out of that environment and placed in a special needs class with teachers who know how to handle kids with developmental disorders.

As someone who's worked with kids for the better part of a decade, I know what it's like to deal with problem children. I had more than my share of bad kids back in my camp counselor days, and I admit, I sometimes got to the end of my rope and used some questionable discipline tactics. I really can relate to this teacher in that sense. However, I was a teenaged schmuck back then, and now that I'm an adult I know that there are better ways to handle the situation. Portillo is also an adult, yet she hasn't seemed to figure that out yet.

Disability or not, end of the rope or not, there's really no excuse for what Ms. Portillo did. The Barton family has removed Alex from the school, and he's so traumatized by the incident that he screams every time he goes with his parents to drop his brother off there, which may seem a bit over-the-top unless you've known anyone with an austism spectrum disorder.

In my opinion, Ms. Portillo has clearly demonstrated that she is grossly unqualified to teach children, and should thusly and urgently be relieved of her job. I also think she should start looking into other lines of work, because no school with any sensibility will want to hire a teacher who was fired for borderline emotional abuse.

The school district is investigating the affair, but if you want to voice your opinion on the matter, feel free to do so:

St. Lucie County School Board
District Offices
4204 Okeechobee Rd.
Fort Pierce, Fl. 34947
Phone: (772) 429-3600

Principal Marcia Cully:
cullym@stlucie.k12.fl.us

If you're tempted to send hate mail to the teacher, please don't. Expressing your concerns and feelings to the administration through appropriate channels will suffice. There's no need to get nasty. Really, you're better than that.

If you do decide to contact school officials, I guarantee they've already heard the pun about "voting Ms. Portillo out of the class" about a thousand times, but you can still say it anyway if you really want to. Heck, I just did.