80 ron? sure.

I was watching an episode of Seinfeld tonight on a Russian video hosting site, when I saw this ad:

I don't know who Dan Petrescu is (Russia's answer to Marc Summers, from the looks of it), but he's the Russian lovechild of Bill Maher and Mario Lopez.

That's really all I wanted to say.

am i the only one who sees a huge problem with this?

Michael Jackson's memorial service will be taking place tomorrow at Los Angeles' Staples Center, and promises to be a massive spectacle. Streets will be blocked off, a basketball arena will be filled to capacity, and tickets to the service are being scalped for tens of thousands of dollars (in a depressed economy, no less). It will be a circus the likes of which the world has never seen. And if that's how the Jacksons want to honor the King of Pop, that's up to them. I have no problem with that.

I do have a problem, however, with the way this memorial service is being paid for: not by the Jackson family, or by Michael's estate, or by his plethora of obscenely wealthy friends, but by the City of Los Angeles.

In case you glossed over that, let me repeat it: A private citizen's memorial service is being paid for, 100%, by taxpayer dollars. Millions of them.

If you live in LA, this should piss you off big time. This kind of squandering is not only incredibly irresponsible, it's practically criminal. Heck, it almost makes San Diego look pretty good by comparison.

at least now someone's there to keep mr humphries company

Well, Mrs. Slocombe is now an official member of the June Deadlebrities club. Yeah, I know it's technically July, but just barely, and I think she made it in close enough to the others to warrant being on the same list.

No word yet on the health condition of her pussy.

(Relax, relax, the lady just loves her cat).

talk about june gloom...

June 2009 has sure been a monumental month for celebrity deaths, hasn't it? Those of you who know me know that I usually don't pay much mind to celebrities, and that famous people dying don't tend to concern me nearly as much as, say, the 30,000 children under age 5 who die every day from stupid causes like diarrhea and lack of food. But even I have to step back and say hot damn, we've got a lot of celebrities dying this month!

First we had Ed McMahon on 6/23. Ok, he was 86 years old, so nobody was too surprised. Everybody dies eventually, if they live long enough. America moved on before it even stopped to necessitate moving on.

But then, apparently-that-was-considered-hot-in-the-70's Charlie's Angels actress Farrah Fawcett died of cancer two days later, on 6/25. That one seemed to catch America off guard, although she'd been fighting cancer for a long time, so it wasn't entirely unexpected. What was unexpected, at least to me, was the collective mass disappointment that she never got to marry some guy I'd never heard of named Ryan O'Neal. Seriously, why are you people so emotionally involved in a total stranger's personal life? No wonder your own marriage is falling apart.

Not to be outdone, however, legendary freakshow and "King of Pop" Michael Jackson suddenly dropped dead mere hours after Fawcett, causing the entire world to exclaim, "Farrah who? Nevermind that drivel, someone important just died!" The entirety of Planet Earth reacted to the news as if every king, president, duke, and PM had just merged into one amazing superhuman demigod, and then imploded on itself, taking the sun, moon, and every firstborn male along with it. Lenin banged in vain on the sides of his glass coffin for attention, Eva Peron wondered why she got such a pauper's treatment, and Princess Diana still hasn't stopped pointing out the fact that a fake "king" gets more attention than a real duchess. Seven heads of state stepped down or killed themselves in acts of solidarity, and Ireland instituted a second potato famine as an expression of mourning. And all of this was seen as a right and proper response to such a tragedy.

The entire world was still in a state of mourning three days later (and now forgetting to even ask, Farrah who?), and it was just assumed that the Pope would fast-track Jackson to sainthood by the week's end. One man dared question the world's collective Jackomania, though, and that man was legendary infomercial yelling man Billy Mays. He knew what he had to do. On the morning of 6/28, Mays heroically died in a valiant effort to take the deadlebrity spotlight off of Michael Jackson, and thereby save humanity from itself. Unfortunately for humanity, though, Billy Mays' star power was not strong enough to distract a spiraling-to-the-depths mankind from its hopelessly mournful trajectory, and his untimely death proved to be in vain; he simply could not compete. It's exactly like when The Thirteenth Floor came out one month after The Matrix.

Needless to say, humanity remains on the fast track to Michael-Jackson-induced self-destruction, and I have no idea what can save her at this point. Even Billy Mays was powerlesss to stop it. I just hope it doesn't take an infomercial pitchman double whammy, because I really like this guy:

there's always room for hip-hop!

I just read an AP report that Bill Cosby is releasing a hip-hop album. That's fantastic.

I'd make a joke about Bill Cosby rapping about Jell-O Pudding Pops at this point, but the article beat me to the punch. Lame.

Anyway, I look forward to listening to this album. Apparently Cosby is taking it old school: "[H]e’s always been involved in music and he was there for the first generation of spoken word. ... He has always understood rap’s potential, but he was appalled by the foul language and the misogyny — the way people used a medium that could be used to elevate people, to open their eyes and provoke thought,” says producer Bill "Spaceman" Patterson, in this quote which I shamelessly lifted straight from the AP story.

Oh yeah, Bill Cosby won't actually be doing any of the rapping/singing/whatever you call the vocals in hip-hop music. He's commissioning actual hip-hop artists for that part. I was a little disappointed to learn that part, but it's probably much, much better off this way.

I was at the deli the other day having some lunch, and the TV was tuned to this stupid daytime show for people who have no lives of their own, called "Celebrity Justice". The announcer had just introduced the show's top story of the day with the headline, "The latest news in the Michael Jackson trial", when I hear a voice beside me go, "Did they hang him?" Not wanting to encourage an idiot in any way, I ignored the comment and took another bite from my sandwich. But of course, it's never that simple. Idiots persevere. "Is that an option?" I heard the voice say again, "can they hang him?" I looked over to my right to see a thirty-something doofus looking directly at me, ear to ear grin on his stupid face, awaiting my approval of his oh-so-clever remarks. I raised my eyebrows and let out a very unenthusiastic "heh", and continued with my sandwich. This seemed to please the moron, and he turned his gaze back to the TV, now feeling very validated. This exchange got me to thinking. What is it about unwitty people that makes them think anybody wants to hear their stupid comments? I don't even know this guy, and he's attempting really crappy jokes with me. It wasn't even funny. There was no wit in his comment, no fast thinking or cleverness whatsoever. He just blurted out the first rubbish thing that entered his mind. Not only did this complete lack of substance keep him from opening his big mouth in the first place, but he kept on going even after I ignored him the first time. I wonder what goes on in the head of someone like that? "Well, that didn't go over so well, did it? Maybe it'll be funnier if I say the exact same thing, only louder!"

Mel Gibson is being stalked by some dude who keeps demanding that they pray together. Zack Sinclair showed up at Gibson's home two days in a row last month, and when he was told to put eggs in his shoes and never come back, he decided to switch tactics and start stalking him at church instead. This didn't fly with Mel, who said that Sinclair "interrupted my worship... and demanded that I pray with him." So seeing how that didn't work, he went back to his original plan and started stalking him at home again. This time, though, the police were called and Sinclair was hauled off to the joint, where he'll stay til his hearing on Wednesday.

And the moral of this story is: I need to be more sly in spying on my neighbor.

<-- Actor Mel Gibson responds to repeated tresspassing by an obsessed fan. "He come around here one more time, and I be popping caps in his punk ass!" the actor may have exclaimed to his wife following the most recent episode. It is unclear whether he was entertaining his family by speaking in a fake English accent at the time of the intrusions. Also unknown is whether or not he owns a t-shirt with the slogan "Party Naked" printed on the front.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is running for Governor!

In case you missed that...
Arnold Schwarzenegger is running for Governor!

Hot dog!


Above: Arnold Schwarzenegger prepares to "recall" Gov. Gray Davis.

Much like Noah's Ark, ochius.com was gone for 40 days and 40 nights, only to resurface on top of a mountain and begin the release of monkeys and stuff.

The mountain, of course, is figurative.

But not the monkeys.

So yeah, Barry White died. Right after I got done making fun of him too. Not cool at all. I felt kind of bad about it when I first heard the news, but not really. Chazz broke it to me at our 4th of July BBQ, but he mistakenly said Barry Manilow had died. I was quite relieved to hear that it was in fact Barry White. Is that bad? Either way, there it is.

"holla @ my homies!"
Ugh. Stupid people.


Above: How I spent my time during ochius.com's server problems

How has Barry White managed to trick the world like he has? I mean, come on now. Does anybody really believe he's the sweltering sex-machine that his music makes him out to be? Look at the man. Just look at him. The guy's disgusting. There's no way he's getting any — at least not nearly as much as he'd like us all to think. How has he managed to pull his sensual, seductive wool over our eyes like that? Yeah, he's a good singer, and yeah he is one smooth mofo, but is he really the great lover he claims to be? I sincerely doubt it. Great beast is more like it.


Above: So-called "lover" Barry White, whose beastly lovemaking has led to the deaths of at least three women, probably.

Well, turns out the star of the NBC reality show For Love Or Money is a sexual pervert. According to the website The Smoking Gun, reality TV ultratool Rob Campos was booted out of the United States Marine Corps' JAG program for groping a female officer's breasts. Campos (hereafter to be referred to as "the tool," "pervo," or "boobieman") admitted to keeping this little detail hidden during his screening for the part; however he denies that he actually did anything wrong — probably because he's embarrassed. And he should be. Check this out:

"...[A]n account of the incident provided by the female officer in an interview... said Campos rushed into the woman's room and grabbed her breasts. The woman said she struck Campos in the groin with her knee, causing him to enter the woman's bathroom and vomit." (Reuters)

The tool gives a different account of the incident. In his version, he never grabbed her ta-ta's, he never got kneed in the Charlies, and he never vomited. And it gets better: Señor Pervo turns it around and blames her for misconduct! "She was totally up in my junk," he says. "She wanted me like a polar bear wants a new set of snow shoes." (Note: this quote was made up for the purpose of demonstrating how big of a tool Mr. Boobieman is).

NBC says this new twist in the saga of sucky reality TV will not be announced on-air, nor will it affect the show in any way. Which begs the question: why the crap are you wasting all of our time with this "news" if it bears no consequence? Why is this story making front page headlines, while we've got Osama bin Laden and Michael Eisner stockpiling weapons of mass destruction, story on page F-17?

Someone must be really bored in the newsroom...


Above: Reality TV tool Rob Campos, who enjoys groping women's boobs both on-air in NBC's For Love Or Money, and off-air in the United States Marine Corps. (Reuters photo)