and you'll never believe what happened next, your honor...

 

I wish I could be in the courtroom the day he explains the turn of events that led to this...

as a dog returns to its vomit...

Well, it was bound to happen. In the throes of boredom, I gave Omegle another shot. The results are exactly what you'd expect from chatting with randomized, anonymous strangers at 1:15 am.


Apparently our friend here doesn't understand that one in the morning is, in fact, one in the morning. Apparently he also thinks being in the Pacific time zone makes him superior to me... even though I'm also in the Pacific time zone. And really, time zone differences are a good reason to stop talking to anybody, am I right?



This conversation is the closest this nerd will ever get to finding out the chick he's dancing with is actually a man.



Sometimes internet nerds get indignant when you point the obvious out to them.

And there you have it. Another wasted night on a useless website. On the plus side, though, I didn't encounter nearly as many penises as that one time I made the mistake of visiting Chatroulette. But of course now that I've said that, I'll probably be greeted by an ASCII schlong next time I log on.

(See my first journey into the abyss that is Omegle here)

they should have called it 4chat

I was introduced today to an interesting concept called Omegle.com, which pairs you up with a total stranger in a private chat room, in which both of you are anonymous. It's like the 4chan of chat, only far less disturbing, and with at least 90% less tentacle porn.

I don't think I'll be frequenting this site, as it seems to me to be likely inhabited primarily by kids and predators, but I did have some amusing encounters in the few minutes I spent tooling around there.

Here's the entirety of my first anonymous chat with a stranger:

Obviously, this stranger is not down with today's modern vernacular.

My second attempt reminded me of this for some reason:

And that was the end of that.

And coming up next, we have... oh geez...


Eventually, I did have some semblance of a conversation, although only in the most liberal use of the word:

Hell yeah! I like that enthusiasm! Sadly, though, it did not last:

LOL, that's beautiful. I can just picture this Stranger hanging his head in dejection as he delivers that pitiful "ooh.." and signs off. A classic hangup if I ever saw one. What really gets me is that he left immediately upon discovering I'm not a Lady Gaga fan, and to him, that was a perfectly reasonable response. Just like how the Men Without Hats felt it perfectly reasonable to refuse friendship with anybody who doesn't dance.

All in all, I recommend Omegle for a quick jaunt when you're bored, but nothing more. Being anonymous and random, it's ideal breeding grounds for trolls, and you'll probably spend half your time being bothered by them, as well as being asked "a/s/l?", which is internet shorthand for "I am not someone you want to waste your time talking to."

Do give it a shot if you feel so inclined, though, and let me know about any humorous incidents that occur as a result.

for the serious DYI-er

Don't you wish you could perform surgery without any formal training? Sure, we all do. And now, thanks to the magic of video games, you can!


Live your dream of cutting people open with no training whatsoever.

In Alan Probe: Amateur Surgeon, you control Alan Probe: Amateur Surgeon as he uses tools from the back of his pizza van, and the encouragement of a drunken derelict, to do complicated surgery on bums, criminals, and area lowlifes.

It's probably not the greatest flash game you'll ever play, but I found it amusing.

how does the mouse stay in place?

For those of us who have had it up to here with surfing the internet while not lounging at a 45-degree angle, the ErgoPod 500 is here to save the day. Good thing it's got that huge steel bar on top.



This is just one of the many strange and delightful things I've found while cleaning out my Bookmarks folder. If you're lucky, I may post more of my findings.

now here's a rosh hashanah tradition i can get behind!

I logged into Myspace today, and saw that my friend Alison had posted this bulletin:

This was obviously enticing, so I clicked on the link, only to be greeted by one of the greatest headlines I've ever seen:
Woman Wearing Cow Suit Charged With Disorderly Conduct!
HA! That's gotta have a great story behind it, I thought to myself. And boy did it! Apparently a woman was arrested last night after pissing on her neighbor's porch, chasing children around the streets, and causing traffic problems. All while wearing a cow suit. For no apparent reason.

Shana Tova, cow lady.

animator vs. animation

This is how we did it in 1953*:



And this is how we did it in 2006*:
A vs. A


*Of course, by saying we, I naturally mean they, obviously, as they were a part of, and I was not, something that they did, and I did not do, for I was not a part of the team (which, if I were, would be we) which carried out these respective projects, which were done by them and not me, making it they, and not we.

i lol'd. irl.

Authorities: Burglar wakes men with spice rub
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080908/ap_on_fe_st/odd_sausage_attack

FRESNO, Calif. - Authorities say they've arrested a man who broke into the home of two California farmworkers, stole money, rubbed one with spices and whacked the other with a sausage before fleeing...(more)

That's the most amazing thing I've read in at least a week.

Yello was unavailable for comment

http://www.boingboing.net/2008/07/07/ufo-turns-out-to-be.html

Honestly, that was the most amusing 30 seconds of my month.

our constant concern

Here in the United States, there is no shortage of serious issues facing us today. The price of gas is rising faster than Fred Mertz's waistline, the dollar is plummeting lower than Britney Spears' sex appeal, and let's not forget that pesky little problem in the Middle East. And now, as if that's not enough, our cows are being abducted at record rates.

Seriously, aliens: wtf?

how not to celebrate winning a WoW tournament

You have to read this.

Because people often have an irrational aversion to clicking on links without knowing what's on the other end*, I'll give you the TV Guide version to get you excited:

13-year-old boys obtain credit card, binge on Oreos and Dr Pepper, and hire hookers to play Xbox 360 with them.

Oh yeah, and they tell the hookers that they're traveling circus midgets, so as to not arouse suspicion.

Bonus: The article contains a stock photo of high heeled snakeskin boots, the international symbol for Texas hookers.


* Case in point: Almost every time I send someone a hyperlink on aim, the response is "what's this?" My response is typically, "Click on it and find out, you jackass."

fast food: ads vs. reality

You ever notice how that sandwich never quite looks like the picture on the menu?

You're not alone. I stumbled upon this head-to-head comparison of 13 different fast food products' menu pictures and real-life counterparts, and things seem to be even worse than I remembered back in my fast food days. Here's a sample of the goodness that lies within:

Barf. And there's 12 more where that came from. Quoth the author:

Each item was purchased, taken home, and photographed immediately. Nothing was tampered with, run over by a car, or anything of the sort. It is an accurate representation in every case. Shiny, neon-orange, liquefied pump-cheese, and all.

Mmm, gotta love that shiney pump-cheese. Anyone else getting hungry? No? That's cool, I guess. Anyway. check out the full list, if you need inspiration for a diet or something: http://www.thewvsr.com/adsvsreality.htm

So you definitely need to check this out.

But don't take my word for it, check out the testimonials:



There you have it! Enjoy yourself.

David Battle met Devon in eighth grade, and married her five years later.

Two months after the wedding, he was shipped off to war in Iraq.

Three months later, David's left hand was maimed when he came under attack in Fallujah.

He was transported to a hospital, where he began treatment.

The doctors told him they'd have to cut his wedding ring off in order to save his finger.

He said his wife is the love of his life, and he couldn't bear to see her ring destroyed.

They told him it was either the ring or the finger.

So he told them to cut his finger off, and leave the ring intact.

So they did. And David was happy.

But then the doctors lost his ring.

The End.