predictions for 2010

As I look forward into the future, I can't help but think the coming year will be a whole lot better than the three preceding it. As you may recall, 2007 was super lame, and 2008 was just as crummy, if not worse. Hope was in the cards for 2009, but the dealer fell asleep or something because those cards never made it to the table. This year, though, will be different. I can feel it in my guts, and it's not a naïve kind of wishful feeling like I had with 2009; this time, it's going to be good. Really good. Possibly even-better-than-2006 good.

And while these predictions aren't necessarily related to how good the year will be, they will be a part of it in one way or another. Thus, it is my duty and pleasure to present to you...

THINGS THAT WILL HAPPEN IN 2010:

* Brent surprises everyone with big news concerning his vocation and/or a dame.

* Brent surprises absolutely no one with yet another round of STIs, this time including one or more that baffles the entire field of medicine.

* No fewer than four engagements, at least two of which make people's heads explode in cognitive dissonance.

* I will utterly destroy at least one shirt and one pair of pants somehow. Questionable jokes naturally follow.

* Expensive maintenance on my car :-(

* Something I create gets published, but I don't benefit much from it.

* I am a member of a band for at least two days. Awkward coughing into a microphone almost certain.

* Someone I know dies, gets injured, or gets very sick. I hope I'm wrong about this one.

* Huge financial news that affects pretty much everyone. Better be something good.

* A major natural disaster shocks the world -- even cynical jerks like me. Obama will be criticized for it, regardless of where it takes place.

* A professional athlete faces a violent death, and Mitt Romney makes national headlines. These two are in no way related, but I'm putting them in the same prediction just to spice things up a little.

* Polka polka polka!

* The out-of-control cab ride to hell that has been ladies' fashion this decade hits an all-time low, and even Dov Charney must admit things are getting way too fugly for anyone's good.

* The Love Boat becomes relevant again, and nobody is better off for it.

* Only a moderate amount of madness, but a very liberal heaping of antics.

2009 predictions revisited

Well ladies and germs, it's that special time of year again. I know, I know, I can hardly believe it either -- 58 years since the Marshall Plan expired! Can you believe it? Coincidentally, it's also the last day of 2009, which means it's time for me to revisit those predictions I made exactly a year ago. So in the immortal words of Castor Troy, "Let's go, let's go, I'm bored, let's go," I will review my predictions with no further ado:

The following things will take place in the year 2009:

* I actually do get that darn job this time. I'm very effing due.
Yes, although very different than what I had in mind. I actually ended up going back to school to get my Master of Divinity at Bethel Seminary, and just got hired to work in the library there. That, combined with my financial aid [aka the first debt I've ever had... not sure how I feel about that] and a couple of days a week at my old job at The Remington Club gives me enough money to survive on my own.

* Some schmuck will try to kill President Obama. He will not be successful.
I'm sure there were multiple attempts, but the two that stand out to me are the incredibly ill-conceived plot by white supremacists to shoot Obama during his inauguration speech, and the guy who mailed him an envelope of HIV-infected blood (and included his return address and a photo of himself, no less).

* Brent, naturally, will contract a baker's dozen STIs. He's very effing due.
Once again, like shooting fish in a barrel. He got so many this year, I even wrote a song about it.

* Caleb gets a swinging bachelor pad, a new chair, and an embarrassing rash.
I wish I could say I only got two out of the three, but alas, I'm batting 1.0 thus far.

* Someone I know will get in an auto accident.
My best friend Stacey got in a multi-car pileup earlier this year, rendering her car totally, um, totalled. Then, just a few nights ago, we were driving in her new car and got rear ended in a parking lot! Luckily the second one was just a scratch.

* Charles really will be the gentleman caller to a female acquaintance for at least 45 minutes. He's very effing due.
Not to my knowledge, but he did get a Lord of the Dance t-shirt.

* At least three massive political scandals. Not just little Larry Craig style, either. I'm talking Duke Cunningham and Rod Blagojevich calibre scandals that make Jay Leno not even have to try anymore.
Boy, if I just omitted the word "political" from that one, I'd have been right on with David Letterman and Tiger Woods. But rules is rules, and I said political scandals, which were surprisingly tame this year. We had Sen. John Ensign (R-NV) sleeping with his treasurer and Gov. Mark Sanford (SC) hastily skipping town without warning to hike the Appalachian Trail nail his Argentine adulteress. Both men declined to resign, despite the ridiculousness of their corruption, especially on the part of Sanford (who violated 37 ethics laws). We also saw [now former] CA Assemblyman Michael Duvall bragging to his friend about his multiple affairs with lobbyists over a hot mic on live TV. Woops! This was particularly outrageous because this clown has a long history of denying rights in the name of "family values"... but I guess adultery is more morally upright than same-sex marriage, eh Mike?

* Someone extremely unlikely gets engaged. Heads explode.
Brent (of multiple STI fame)'s sister Erica got engaged and subsequently married within the same week. Another Erika just announced her engagement to another guy named Brent (apparently going for the confusion factor), and my buddy Andy got engaged to his ladyfriend Courtney not long ago as well. I'm also told that my friend Washburn from high school got engaged within the past month or so, too. And then there's the engagement of former youth ministry student Peter to former youth ministry leader Meg (don't worry, it only sounds sketchy) And, according to some rumors I've heard, I may or may not have gotten engaged this year, as well. Funny how I'm always the last one to hear about the major events in my life.

* Sheer madness, the likes of which hasn't been seen since 2005. The kind of madness that'd make King George seem pretty straightforward.
I don't know if there was actually grand-scale madness of this sort, but there was definitely a high amount of small-scale madness, so that may average out about the same.

There we have it. Seven accurate predictions and two not-quite-there ones. Not too bad, I think. Hopefully I'll do even better in 2010.

Happy new year!
-cbr

who is chius, anyway?

I have no idea who Chius is. All I know is that he lived in or around ancient Pompeii, had an unfortunate dermatological condition, and managed to fall out of the good graces of some smart ass with a disregard for public property.

That's right, ol' Chius was the subject of some ancient graffiti. He's not the only one in his town to befall this fate, either. Turns out Pompeii was chock full of graffiti, much of which shows strikingly how little man has changed since ancient times. Here are some of my favorites:
(sources: 1, 2, 3)

O Chius, I hope that your ulcerous pustules reopen and burn even more than they did before!

Pyrrhus to his colleague Chius: I grieve because I hear you have died; and so farewell.

Whoever loves, go to hell. I want to break Venus' ribs with blows and deform her hips. If she can break my tender heart, why can't I hit her over the head?

Atimetus got me pregnant.

Litus, you are a mediocre man.

Weep, you girls. My penis has given you up. Now it penetrates men’s behinds. Goodbye, wondrous femininity!

We pissed our beds. I know, O Host, we were wrong.
Ask why? There was no chamber pot.

On the 9th of November Quintus Postumius invited Aulus Attius to have homosexual intercourse with me.

Celadus the Thracier makes the girls moan!

Someone at whose table I do not dine, Lucius Istacidius, is a barbarian to me.

Here Harpocras has had a good fuck with Drauca for a denarius.

Watch it, you that shits in this place! May you have Jove's anger if you ignore this.

Myrtis, you do great blow jobs.

We two dear men, friends forever, were here. If you want to know our names, they are Gaius and Aulus.

At Nuceria, near the Roman gate, is the district of Venus. Ask for Novellia Primigenia.

I screwed the barmaid. (written on a tavern wall)

Theophilus, don’t perform oral sex on girls against the city wall like a dog.

Marcus loves Spendusa.

Celadus the Thracian gladiator is the delight of all the girls.

I have buggered men. (written on someone's house)

If anyone does not believe in Venus, they should gaze at my girlfriend.

Secundus likes to screw boys.

I screwed a lot of girls here.

Sollemnes, you screw well!

If anyone sits here, let him read this first of all: if anyone wants a fuck, he should look for Attice; the price is four asses.

Epaphra, you are bald!

Phileros is a eunuch!

Samius to Cornelius: go hang yourself!

Epaphra is not good at ball games.

Secundus defecated here. (written three times on one wall!)

Apollinaris, the doctor of the emperor Titus, defecated well here.

O walls, you have held up so much tedious graffiti that I am amazed that you have not already collapsed in ruin.

This is not a place for idlers. Leave, you who have nothing to do.

predictions for 2008

This is it! 2008 is going to be a great year; I can feel it! And even if it's only so-so, it'll seem like the year of jubilee coming after the most mediocre year I've ever seen in my life. Seriously, 2007 blew. But 2008 is going to rock. Hard.

And here's what will take place:

* I will get a new job. This job will be full time, and will pay enough that I only have to work the one job, and not two jobs. I will have time for hobbies, I will have a social life, and I'll actually have some of my paycheck left in the bank by the next payday. I've heard of that concept before; I think it's called "saving".

* Brent, of course, will contract yet another STI.

* Someone I know will get engaged. This seems like a pretty safe bet these days; it's like there's a contagion going around, and at least one or two friends get infected every year.

* I read at least one book in its entirety. This is a much more realistic prediction than last year's.

* Big energy breakthrough.

* I make a new friend or two, who turn out to be really good ones. Yeah, I predicted this last year and was wrong, but this year I'm getting a new job and a social life, remember?

* Caleb makes some music. And not the kind that comes from eating lots of beans and cabbage.

* Caleb eats lots of beans. Doubtful on the cabbage.

* Charles is a gentleman caller to a young lady. For at least 45 minutes.

* Someone fairly unlikely gets discovered and given no less than 15 minutes of fame. This is someone I know, not just some random fool like that bro who got tased.

* Absolute madness, mischief, and mayhem of the highest degree.

predictions for 2006...

* Brent gets a woman.

* Abe Vigoda still alive.

* Talk of impeachment, pointless squabbles follow.

* Somebody I know gets engaged. Probably someone nobody would expect.

* I get my college degree, but not without complications.

* Someone from the past returns to shake things up a bit.

* Conspiracies revealed in multiple levels of government, indictments follow.

* A respected actor, a beloved comedian, and an international icon will all die. People will freak out, saying, "They always die in threes," ignoring the plethora of famous people who die all the time by themselves.

* More great disasters, thousands more killed.

* Caleb gets a full time job, a bachelor pad, and an STD.

* Brent gets three STD's.

* Someone gets fired.

* A wish comes true, but so does one of those "be careful what you wish for" wishes.

* I win the respect of an adversary, but probably make new adversaries in the process.

* I make a new friend, who turns out to be a pretty good one.

* I exercise fairly regularly.

* A good shirt gets ruined in the laundry.

* Get Smart released on DVD.

* Something huge happens in Europe.

* Big news concerning toilets.

* Madness, sheer madness.