the importance of copy editing

Wait, what?

The tenderloin is the ass, right?

a whole lotta shakin' goin' on (but that's all relative)

The Eastern US is in hysterics today, following an earthquake in the DC area earlier this morning. The way the media are covering this event, you'd think the earth split open and swallowed the White House.

What today's East Coast quake felt like, to East Coasters.

For those of us living in California, of course, the whole episode is entirely silly. Earthquakes here are a dime a dozen; we sleep through most of our temblors, and can't even bother ourselves to move from the couch for anything less than a 6.9. When they make the news, little attention is given to them outside of a few observations and B-roll footage of a leaking water pipe or something. So naturally, the excessive coverage and Twitter chatter about today's tremor is entirely laughable to us Southern Californians.

How East Coasters during an earthquake look to Californians.

Yeah, we Californians would never get so bent out of shape over a paltry 5.9 like our friends back East do. We reserve our media freakouts for when Mother Nature does something really crazy. Like two consecutive days of rain!

"Things are expected to get pretty hairy on Wednesday and Thursday!"

I guess the extremity of Nature's doings is just like that family reunion you had to go to last summer: all relatives.

"tipping" the scales of justice

A North Carolina waitress named Judy Proffitt has been arrested and charged with seven counts of "obtaining property by false pretenses" for altering the tip amounts on her checks at the restaurant where she worked.

Maybe she was trying to finance a new pair of glasses

It was a clever plan, but one that can only go on for so long before someone notices. Seriously, Judy, there are much safer ways to turn a Proffitt! Oh thank you, thank you, I'm here aaaaaaaaaall week.

good and better: protests

doing drugs wrong, probably as a consequence of doing drugs right

Don't all the dope heads keep their blow in decorative urns?

am i the only one who sees a huge problem with this?

Michael Jackson's memorial service will be taking place tomorrow at Los Angeles' Staples Center, and promises to be a massive spectacle. Streets will be blocked off, a basketball arena will be filled to capacity, and tickets to the service are being scalped for tens of thousands of dollars (in a depressed economy, no less). It will be a circus the likes of which the world has never seen. And if that's how the Jacksons want to honor the King of Pop, that's up to them. I have no problem with that.

I do have a problem, however, with the way this memorial service is being paid for: not by the Jackson family, or by Michael's estate, or by his plethora of obscenely wealthy friends, but by the City of Los Angeles.

In case you glossed over that, let me repeat it: A private citizen's memorial service is being paid for, 100%, by taxpayer dollars. Millions of them.

If you live in LA, this should piss you off big time. This kind of squandering is not only incredibly irresponsible, it's practically criminal. Heck, it almost makes San Diego look pretty good by comparison.

at least now someone's there to keep mr humphries company

Well, Mrs. Slocombe is now an official member of the June Deadlebrities club. Yeah, I know it's technically July, but just barely, and I think she made it in close enough to the others to warrant being on the same list.

No word yet on the health condition of her pussy.

(Relax, relax, the lady just loves her cat).

talk about june gloom...

June 2009 has sure been a monumental month for celebrity deaths, hasn't it? Those of you who know me know that I usually don't pay much mind to celebrities, and that famous people dying don't tend to concern me nearly as much as, say, the 30,000 children under age 5 who die every day from stupid causes like diarrhea and lack of food. But even I have to step back and say hot damn, we've got a lot of celebrities dying this month!

First we had Ed McMahon on 6/23. Ok, he was 86 years old, so nobody was too surprised. Everybody dies eventually, if they live long enough. America moved on before it even stopped to necessitate moving on.

But then, apparently-that-was-considered-hot-in-the-70's Charlie's Angels actress Farrah Fawcett died of cancer two days later, on 6/25. That one seemed to catch America off guard, although she'd been fighting cancer for a long time, so it wasn't entirely unexpected. What was unexpected, at least to me, was the collective mass disappointment that she never got to marry some guy I'd never heard of named Ryan O'Neal. Seriously, why are you people so emotionally involved in a total stranger's personal life? No wonder your own marriage is falling apart.

Not to be outdone, however, legendary freakshow and "King of Pop" Michael Jackson suddenly dropped dead mere hours after Fawcett, causing the entire world to exclaim, "Farrah who? Nevermind that drivel, someone important just died!" The entirety of Planet Earth reacted to the news as if every king, president, duke, and PM had just merged into one amazing superhuman demigod, and then imploded on itself, taking the sun, moon, and every firstborn male along with it. Lenin banged in vain on the sides of his glass coffin for attention, Eva Peron wondered why she got such a pauper's treatment, and Princess Diana still hasn't stopped pointing out the fact that a fake "king" gets more attention than a real duchess. Seven heads of state stepped down or killed themselves in acts of solidarity, and Ireland instituted a second potato famine as an expression of mourning. And all of this was seen as a right and proper response to such a tragedy.

The entire world was still in a state of mourning three days later (and now forgetting to even ask, Farrah who?), and it was just assumed that the Pope would fast-track Jackson to sainthood by the week's end. One man dared question the world's collective Jackomania, though, and that man was legendary infomercial yelling man Billy Mays. He knew what he had to do. On the morning of 6/28, Mays heroically died in a valiant effort to take the deadlebrity spotlight off of Michael Jackson, and thereby save humanity from itself. Unfortunately for humanity, though, Billy Mays' star power was not strong enough to distract a spiraling-to-the-depths mankind from its hopelessly mournful trajectory, and his untimely death proved to be in vain; he simply could not compete. It's exactly like when The Thirteenth Floor came out one month after The Matrix.

Needless to say, humanity remains on the fast track to Michael-Jackson-induced self-destruction, and I have no idea what can save her at this point. Even Billy Mays was powerlesss to stop it. I just hope it doesn't take an infomercial pitchman double whammy, because I really like this guy:

everything to be said has already been said, but i'm going to say something anyway

The other day, my friend mentioned to me that she was surprised I hadn't posted anything about the Miss USA pageant controversy, as it is standard practice for me to comment on such things. I had no idea what she was talking about, as I hadn't yet read the internets that day, so I made my way to YouTube to find the incident in question. And I must admit, I was more than a little disappointed. Sorry, but beauty queens stammering out goofy drivel has been a little played out this past year, and it really isn't worth my time to comment on such old-hat anymore.

But then tonight, while enjoying a generator of random images, I found this cartoon, and couldn't resist posting it:



So now you can be happy, Kris; I've commented on your pageant scandal. Now I'm going to bed.

another open letter to michael steele

Dear Mr. Steele,

In light of your rescinding your comments about Limbaugh, I rescind my comments about your good leadership.

Sincerely,
Caleb B. Ruggiero
San Diego, CA

an open letter to michael steele

Chairman Steele,

I just got through reading some shocking comments that some hardline Republicans have made about you in response to your recent comments about Rush Limbaugh. No doubt some of these comments have made their way to your inbox by now, so you're aware of the venom I'm referencing. I just wanted to write you to express my support for your stance against the incendiary, divisive rhetoric that too often comes from the mouths and pens of partisan windbags who reside on AM radio and the dark corners of the blogosphere.

I have never cared for Rush Limbaugh and his fellow AM blowhards, and quite frankly, I never thought anybody took him seriously until recently. He's such a caricature of himself that I just assumed he was kind of an inside joke in the GOP. But now that I've become aware that many Republicans not only take him seriously, but actually view him as their party leader, I am terrified. Really, truly, terrified.

You certainly have a full plate in front of you, don't you Mr. Chairman? There seems to be a civil war within the party between conservatives and neoconservatives. It is my hope that, like the great first leader of your party, you will be able to end this civil war and neutralize this dangerous rebel faction. I hope for this not because I'm particularly concerned about the future of the GOP (I'm a proud independent), but because I'm concerned about the future of our nation. Working to ensure the failure of our President and his economic recovery policies, whether we agree with them or not, is not only childish, but gravely irresponsible politics. I commend you for taking a stand against such behavior. It's a shame to see that, for many Republicans, "Country First" was nothing more than a campaign slogan.

It's not very often I find a Republican politician I can proudly support, but you have earned my support today. Keep up the good work in supporting responsibility in politics.

Sincerely,
Caleb B. Ruggiero
San Diego, CA

[In addition to posting this blog, I also emailed the same letter to Mr. Steele. I encourage you to join me in supporting Mr. Steele's stance against divisiveness with an email of your own, directed to Chairman [at] GOP [dot] com]

i hope his judgment is better than mine...

Good heavens, is this really happening?

President-elect Obama has reportedly chosen former Clinton chief of staff Leon Panetta to head the CIA, despite his having no experience whatsoever with intelligence [insert painfully obvious, minimally funny joke here]. What's going on, Mr. Obama? You're not George Bush; we elected you on the understanding that you're intelligent enough to not pull this kind of crap.

As of this writing, the Panetta pick is just a leak, and has not been officially announced. That means you still have time, Mr. Obama, to scrap this bad idea and choose someone remotely highly qualified for one of the most important jobs on the planet. You can even save face by telling the press that the leak, like freedom, oh freedom, was just some people talking.

Please don't screw this up, Mr. Obama. Now is not the time to be appointing inexperienced leaders. The guys over at FOX News would just have too much fun with that.

now here's a rosh hashanah tradition i can get behind!

I logged into Myspace today, and saw that my friend Alison had posted this bulletin:

This was obviously enticing, so I clicked on the link, only to be greeted by one of the greatest headlines I've ever seen:
Woman Wearing Cow Suit Charged With Disorderly Conduct!
HA! That's gotta have a great story behind it, I thought to myself. And boy did it! Apparently a woman was arrested last night after pissing on her neighbor's porch, chasing children around the streets, and causing traffic problems. All while wearing a cow suit. For no apparent reason.

Shana Tova, cow lady.

i lol'd. irl.

Authorities: Burglar wakes men with spice rub
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080908/ap_on_fe_st/odd_sausage_attack

FRESNO, Calif. - Authorities say they've arrested a man who broke into the home of two California farmworkers, stole money, rubbed one with spices and whacked the other with a sausage before fleeing...(more)

That's the most amazing thing I've read in at least a week.

remember, remember, the fifth of november july

For the past two decades or so, the High Five has enjoyed immense popularity among sports fans, jet pilots, mathematical nerds, and anybody who wants to celebrate that awesome thing that just happened. From the lowliest of peasants to the mightiest of kings, there's nary a person who doesn't enjoy a High Five. It is truly the great equalizer.

But it's time for High Five to take a hike.

Back in the days before High Five ruled the roost, a cat by the name of Low Five was the star of the show. Low Five was decidedly rad, offering such exciting variations as Double Five, Sides, The Bumps, Skin, and of course, The Flip Side. It was also a bit more distinguished than its High counterpart, seeming to say, "I'm celebrating with you, but I'm holding on to my dignity as well." Low Five was both a gentleman-scholar and a philosopher-king. Low Five was awesome.

But unfortunately for Low Five, it also had one glaring drawback: initiation consternation. Although it only took about a second to resolve, the confusion over who delivers that totally rad slap and who receives it caused enough of a delay to take a little bit of the zing out of the celebratory moment. This did not go unnoticed by High Five, who took full advantage of this liability, and used its everyone-initiates simplicity as a foothold to quickly rise to the top of the Five ladder, where it's remained to this day. And High Five has never looked back.

Until now.

As is often the case when something totally boss has been around for a while, High Five is now largely taken for granted, achieving the ironic status of being as unappreciated as it is popular, just like FM radio, faux hawk haircuts, and Bob Dylan. And that's terrible. But it doesn't have to be this way.

And beginning on the Fifth of July, 2008, it will be this way no longer!

A long-range plan has been put into place to restore High Five to its once-awe-inspiring role as the unbridled powerhouse of celebration it spent twenty years enjoying. Be warned, though -- this plan will be difficult for many, and will not happen overnight. In short, it requires the total abolition of High Five for a period of one year.

'Are you mad?!' you are probably shouting at your screen at this point. The answer is a qualified 'no!' This tactic worked for Superman, Batman, and Coca-Cola, and you can bet your shorts it'll work for High Five as well. Allow me to explain:

On the Fifth of July, 2008, at 5:00 pm, history will be made. High Five will be sequestered into exile for exactly one year, and Low Five will return from obscurity to reclaim the throne! During these twelve Five-riffic months, America will rekindle its dormant love affair with Low Five, knowing once again the totally bitchin' power of giving it Down Low, Turned In, and On The Flip Side, while at the same time evoking memories of a simpler and more optimistic time. Then, on the Fifth of July, 2009... High Five will return from its year of banishment to face off with Low Five and fight for its position at the top of the Five hierarchy once and for all! And, since absence makes the heart grow fonder (and this is the most important part), High Five will, upon simply returning, be afforded the respect and appreciation it deserves. It will again be among the ranks of There Will Be Blood, instead of Bob Dylan and the faux hawk.

So as difficult as it may be to not High Five for an entire year, it is really quite necessary for the very sake of High Five itself! Please support the Fifth of July campaign by attending a local Five party, or hosting one of your own. Make bracelets or t-shirts to help spread the word about the Fifth of July. And of course, if someone offers you one "Up High", politely decline and offer one "Down Low" instead, and explain why. High Five is counting on you!

Remember, the future of Five is in your hands!

"no escaping please"

I just read an article about a gas station clerk in Michigan who got tired of people driving off without paying for their gas, and jumped into a driver-offer's car to try to stop them.

Why would someone attempt such heroics on behalf of a petrol company that doesn't even care about them? Well, it turns out she's been getting penalized for these so-called drive-offs. Worse than that, the article's Fark comments give the impression that this is not unique; punishing clerks for customer gas theft seems to be common practice at stations that don't require you to pay before filling up.

If you ask me, that's beyond ridiculous. Clerks should not be punished for corporate idiocy. Anyone who chooses to operate their gas station in this way is indescribably stupid, and deserves to have every drop of their gas pumped away without seeing one penny – and they'll get no sympathy from me when it happens. Really, what do you expect when you dispense gasoline on the honor system? Have you ever heard of a jewelry store that leaves all their jewelry sitting out in the open, trusting that nobody will take any diamonds without paying for them? Or a supermarket that'll let you open up packages of food and start chowing down in the middle of the aisle, trusting that you'll eventually bring it to the register for payment? Of course not! That's because jewelry stores and supermarkets aren't run by idiots who are so naive as to think that everyone who comes to their shop is integrous enough to pay top dollar for something that is, for all intents and purposes, being given away for free.

Hey Michigan gas stations (and anyone else who operates like this), I've got a great plan to reduce drive-offs for you: make customers pay before pumping gas, like every other fuel station in the world. As long as you fail to do this, you will continue to be ripped off with increasing frequency, as the price of gas keeps climbing. And I'll be right here, not approving of it, but simply shaking my head and asking, "well what'd ya expect, stupid?"

this ain't a scene classroom, it's an arms race educational nightmare

There's a local radio station here in San Diego that recognizes outstanding teachers, and likes to tout the slogan "teachers make a difference".

Well, I just read about a very outstanding teacher in Florida who's made a huge difference in the lives of her pupils that won't be soon forgotten. That being said, though, keep in mind that "outstanding" doesn't always imply "in a good way", and "making a difference" isn't always a positive thing.

Wendy Portillo, a kindergarten teacher in Port St. Lucie, Florida, had her students vote one of their classmates out of the class. As if that's not bad enough, she added a heaping dose of public humiliation to that sundae by having him stand in front of the class while his peers announced what they dislike about him, calling him "annoying" and "disgusting", among other things.

Alex Barton, the five-year-old boy who was voted off Survivor-style and forced to spend the rest of the day in the nurse's office, has a history of disciplinary problems which may be attributed in part to Asperger's syndrome, which is a developmental disorder in the same family as austism. This makes an already repugnant episode all the more alarming. Alex should indeed be removed from his class, but not because his teacher and classmates dislike him -- he should be taken out of that environment and placed in a special needs class with teachers who know how to handle kids with developmental disorders.

As someone who's worked with kids for the better part of a decade, I know what it's like to deal with problem children. I had more than my share of bad kids back in my camp counselor days, and I admit, I sometimes got to the end of my rope and used some questionable discipline tactics. I really can relate to this teacher in that sense. However, I was a teenaged schmuck back then, and now that I'm an adult I know that there are better ways to handle the situation. Portillo is also an adult, yet she hasn't seemed to figure that out yet.

Disability or not, end of the rope or not, there's really no excuse for what Ms. Portillo did. The Barton family has removed Alex from the school, and he's so traumatized by the incident that he screams every time he goes with his parents to drop his brother off there, which may seem a bit over-the-top unless you've known anyone with an austism spectrum disorder.

In my opinion, Ms. Portillo has clearly demonstrated that she is grossly unqualified to teach children, and should thusly and urgently be relieved of her job. I also think she should start looking into other lines of work, because no school with any sensibility will want to hire a teacher who was fired for borderline emotional abuse.

The school district is investigating the affair, but if you want to voice your opinion on the matter, feel free to do so:

St. Lucie County School Board
District Offices
4204 Okeechobee Rd.
Fort Pierce, Fl. 34947
Phone: (772) 429-3600

Principal Marcia Cully:
cullym@stlucie.k12.fl.us

If you're tempted to send hate mail to the teacher, please don't. Expressing your concerns and feelings to the administration through appropriate channels will suffice. There's no need to get nasty. Really, you're better than that.

If you do decide to contact school officials, I guarantee they've already heard the pun about "voting Ms. Portillo out of the class" about a thousand times, but you can still say it anyway if you really want to. Heck, I just did.

our constant concern

Here in the United States, there is no shortage of serious issues facing us today. The price of gas is rising faster than Fred Mertz's waistline, the dollar is plummeting lower than Britney Spears' sex appeal, and let's not forget that pesky little problem in the Middle East. And now, as if that's not enough, our cows are being abducted at record rates.

Seriously, aliens: wtf?

how not to celebrate winning a WoW tournament

You have to read this.

Because people often have an irrational aversion to clicking on links without knowing what's on the other end*, I'll give you the TV Guide version to get you excited:

13-year-old boys obtain credit card, binge on Oreos and Dr Pepper, and hire hookers to play Xbox 360 with them.

Oh yeah, and they tell the hookers that they're traveling circus midgets, so as to not arouse suspicion.

Bonus: The article contains a stock photo of high heeled snakeskin boots, the international symbol for Texas hookers.


* Case in point: Almost every time I send someone a hyperlink on aim, the response is "what's this?" My response is typically, "Click on it and find out, you jackass."

"searing gas pain land?"

There's a lot of talk about gas prices lately, and it seems everyone's got an opinion on the best way to manage the situation. The topic came up at a family dinner last night.

My aunt and uncle support the plan endorsed by John McCain and Hillary Clinton to temporarily remove the federal tax on gasoline for the summer, which sounds great on paper, but wouldn't really do anything to help American consumers.

My grandpa is in favor of increased domestic production, which means expanded offshore drilling, and possibly poking into Alaska. This is, of course, a touchy area. More offshore drilling may indeed help lower prices, but will it be worth the cost? Maybe. I have no idea how much it costs to build those big drills under the sea and pipe it to the mainland, so I can't really comment on whether or not it's a viable option.* As far as Alaska goes, let's just say there's a good reason it's gone largely untapped for three decades, despite the best efforts of the drilling interests.

My brother opposes increased domestic production on the grounds that oil companies will find a way to screw us all no matter what, so we may as well not waste taxpayer money on new drilling facilities and pipelines. Instead, he wants a federal cap on the price of gas at the pump. This sounds pretty good, especially if you believe that prices are artificially high (which I do, but not to the extent that Matt does), but there are always problems when the government starts interfering in private enterprise. Not only does it run counter to the ideals upon which our economy, and indeed our government, are based, but this kind of protectionism can actually bring about terrible consequences, which is no good.

The fact is, gas prices are high because demand is high. Yeah, oil executives are swimming around in giant money bins like Scrooge McDuck these days, which is an indication that they are indeed giant assholes who don't mind ruining the economy and forcing me to work two jobs and still have to downsize to a smaller apartment, so they can light their Cubans with hundred dollar bills while drinking their highballs and sleeping with Playboy models down at Hef's place... but... where was I going with this? Oh yeah; they're charging a lot more than they need to for gas, but that only accounts for part of the high price. The fact is, there's a civil war going on in Iraq that's brought instability to the OPEC region; there's an industrial revolution taking place in China and India, which has dramatically increased demand for oil; and China has introduced a ridiculously inexpensive car within the past year, which means literally millions of folks in the region who have historically been unable to buy cars, now have cars. All of these factors are likely influencing the price of oil far more than executive greed is.

If we really want to bring the price of gas down, we need to bring the demand down. Way down. This means adopting more sensible driving habits, traveling less, conserving electricity at home and in industry (yeah, how do you think power plants generate their power?), and if you're financially able to do so, getting more efficient automobiles. And of course it goes without saying, carpool and use mass transit if those are available to you.

There are also some policy choices our elected representatives can take, such as standardizing gasoline formulas, investing more in alternative energy, subsidizing mass transit to make it more accessible**, and, dare I say it, raising taxes on gasoline.

So there you have it -- Caleb's answer to America's energy woes. Now if only I were a member of the Senate, I could propose a bill that would see the floor for six minutes before being shot down by special interest puppets :-P

* The topic of offshore drilling is more complex than meets the eye. Of course we have to consider the cost of infrastructure and all that good stuff, but we also need to consider the benefits of more American jobs created, localized shipping (which creates a smaller carbon footprint, as well as reduces oil demand, which goes hand-in-hand with the whole point of the project anyway), and the impact on the local economy.

** For all I know, mass transit such as Amtrak is already subsidized, and I'm just not aware of it. If that's the case, it needs to be subsidized a heck of a lot more, in order to make it a more economical option for John Q. Public, who currently sees no monetary incentive for taking the train versus driving.