if you like pina coladas, and getting caught in the rain hiding naked in the closet by a jealous husband with a loaded gun

I saw an ad a couple of years ago for a divorce lawyer that was truly tasteless, and really shocking. Now keep in mind that I've viewed – multiple times – goatse, lemon party, and well, a lot of 4chan... so when I find something tasteless and shocking, it really means something.

Sandwiched between two soap opera-esque pseudo-suggestive photos (soap-core porn, perhaps?) was the text, "Life's short. Get a divorce." Now if I have to explain my problems with this, I doubt that any explanation would actually get the point through... so I'm just going to assume that everyone reading this is in agreement that this particular divorce lawyer is scum both a prime symptom of, and a contributor to, our woefully depraved culture.


The ad in question, which I guess is sexy for people who were into cheap hookers in the mid 80s.

For all the impact that ad made in my mind, it came and left my memory about as quickly as that punch bowl of Spamburger Helper I put down in 2001 (ie., it took a few days, but when it did leave, it did so with great haste). I hadn't thought of it since.

Until tonight.

I was perusing the internets this evening when my eye was caught by an ad with a very similar slogan to the one on that sleazy lawyer's mobile billboard:


Life is short. Just like that window in the 90s when this ad's layout actually looked edgy.

Did I seriously just see that? Curious as to whether this was a legitimate ad or some sort of gag link, I decided to visit the website (entering the url manually, so as to not benefit slime like this with a clickthrough) to see what I could find. Sure enough, it was exactly what the ad, um, advertised.


Join today, and blow/get blown by a hot, lecherous harlot tomorrow!

Yes ladies and gentlemen, it is indeed a dating site specifically designed for married men and women who want to cheat on their spouses. I can't even put into words how sleazy this is. It's like a bar that drums up business at the local AA meeting. Only not at all, really. Sorry, that was a really contrived simile. Like I said, words can't describe.

And, just in case you thought it couldn't possible get any slimier, get a load of this excerpt from their FAQ section:


Just like NAMBLA does not encourage pedophilia.

Slime city! So slimy, in fact, that I spontaneously erupted in a TMNT-era interjection just now! Granted that's not hard to make me do, but still! What a bold lie statement to make. If you read the rest of the FAQ, you'll find a whole page of nothing but lies and spin to make Ashley Madison feel better about herself for facilitating the destruction of countless relationships. It's like listening to George Bush in the 2004 debates. I'm not sure whether to be angry with such obvious attempts at justifying the overwhelming sleaze, or to pity her for resorting to such wafer-thin delusions in order to stave off acceptance of being an opportunistic, money-grubbing pervert.

The maximizer in me wants to bridge an alliance between the adultery-is-the-new-skydiving webmaster and the divorce-is-the-new-Corvette lawyer to create a one-stop "Life Is Short" home wrecking shop. It'd be like an ambulance driver that cuts the brakes on all the cars in the parking lot. But of course, the part of me that's not a life-sucking bastard would rather spend my energy encouraging people to honor the sanctity of their vows, not piss all over them.

"no escaping please"

I just read an article about a gas station clerk in Michigan who got tired of people driving off without paying for their gas, and jumped into a driver-offer's car to try to stop them.

Why would someone attempt such heroics on behalf of a petrol company that doesn't even care about them? Well, it turns out she's been getting penalized for these so-called drive-offs. Worse than that, the article's Fark comments give the impression that this is not unique; punishing clerks for customer gas theft seems to be common practice at stations that don't require you to pay before filling up.

If you ask me, that's beyond ridiculous. Clerks should not be punished for corporate idiocy. Anyone who chooses to operate their gas station in this way is indescribably stupid, and deserves to have every drop of their gas pumped away without seeing one penny – and they'll get no sympathy from me when it happens. Really, what do you expect when you dispense gasoline on the honor system? Have you ever heard of a jewelry store that leaves all their jewelry sitting out in the open, trusting that nobody will take any diamonds without paying for them? Or a supermarket that'll let you open up packages of food and start chowing down in the middle of the aisle, trusting that you'll eventually bring it to the register for payment? Of course not! That's because jewelry stores and supermarkets aren't run by idiots who are so naive as to think that everyone who comes to their shop is integrous enough to pay top dollar for something that is, for all intents and purposes, being given away for free.

Hey Michigan gas stations (and anyone else who operates like this), I've got a great plan to reduce drive-offs for you: make customers pay before pumping gas, like every other fuel station in the world. As long as you fail to do this, you will continue to be ripped off with increasing frequency, as the price of gas keeps climbing. And I'll be right here, not approving of it, but simply shaking my head and asking, "well what'd ya expect, stupid?"

i wool always love ewe

Swedish retail giant H&M has announced a boycott of products made from Australian wool, in response to animal cruelty complaints. What's so cruel about Australian wool, you ask? Well, there are a few things, but this boycott is focused on mulesing, which is basically the practice of cutting a sheep's ass off. Okay, okay, I'll concede that there's a little more to it than that, but it really does pretty much boil down to sheep ass removal; even John Mules would agree.

It's nice to see a mega corporation taking a stand for what's right, isn't it? Take a moment and join me in sending H&M a quick note of appreciation.

all the news, 98.88% shorter

So MacWorld was today, and nerds and geeks all around the world tuned in to their favorite streaming video purveyors to catch Steve Jobs' 90 minute keynote speech. For the benefit of those of us who would rather not sit through an hour and a half of Jobs Jabber(TM), the folks at Mahalo.com made the following video:

The Steve Jobs 90 Minute Keynote in 60 Seconds


So what will you do with the remaining 89 minutes? I've got a few suggestions for you ;-)

Trader Joe's has been my favorite grocery store for years. I've always enjoyed their quality products at quality prices, and especially their commitment to listening to the needs and desires of their customers. But all that has changed. After more that 25,000 customers, myself included, emailed the company HQ to ask that they follow the lead of their top two competitors - Whole Foods and Wild Oats/Henry's - and carry only cage-free eggs, the company blew us off as "an activist group" and posted a response on their web site, chock full of lies and misinformation, defending their refusal to listen to the concerns of their customers. Among said lies is the claim that egg production is carried out under strict FDA and USDA guidelines for humane treatment. The truth is, there are NO government guidelines whatsoever concerning treatment of laying hens. They also pointed out that the eggs they carry are "Animal Care Certified". Naturally, they failed to mention that the Better Business Bureau has declared twice that "Animal Care Certified" is a misleading label unsubstantiated by reality, and that the "Animal Care Certified" promotion is currently the subject of a false advertising lawsuit, as well as pending legal action by the Federal Trade Commission.

In 2002, Trader Joe's stopped carrying duck meat because of customer concerns over the inhumane treatment of ducks. But really, how many people buy duck, anyway? They could stop carrying duck meat, and not even have a noticeable cut in profits. But there's a lot more money to be made in eggs, so when faced with the exact same concern for a big money-making product, it's a lot cheaper to write off the customers as political zealots and bleeding-heart propagandists. It's nice to see Trader Joe's true values come to light. It's not the customers. It's not the community. It's not quality. It's MONEY. Nothing more, nothing less. They're just another greedy corporation that doesn't care about anything other than the bottom line. Well, I'm not gonna take it, and neither should you.

I urge you to do what I've already done about it. E-mail Trader Joe's and politely, but firmly, tell them that you expect them to practice what they preach and actually listen to their customers, and that you want them to stop carrying battery-cage eggs. In addition to e-mailing, call their customer comment hotline at (626)599-3817 (West Coast) or (781)455-7319 (East Coast) and politely tell them you want the company to sell only cage-free eggs.

As for me, until Trader Joe's repeals their statement branding me a political extremist and uninformed boob, I will be taking all of my business to Henry's, Baron's, and Whole Foods Market.

UPDATE: On November 7, 2005, Trader Joe's announced that all of their TJs brand eggs will henceforth be cage-free. As their brand constitutes the vat majority of the eggs they sell, this is fantastic news for chickens.

this has got to be one of the greatest moments in american history

By now I'm sure most of you have heard about the abhorrent June 23 Supreme Court ruling in "Kelo vs. City of New London", which expands eminent domain laws to allow the government to seize private property from one person and give it to another person, who can use it for anything and everything he pleases, if it will result in higher government revenues via taxes and stuff. This means that if someone wants to build a hotel, or a strip mall, or heck, even a strip club where your house is currently sitting, the City can condemn your home, boot you out, and hand the land over to the developer to do as he pleases. "Sorry, this porno club contributes more to the economy than your house does, you jackass," the City will say to you as it spits on your shoes, kicks you in the ass and laughs at you as you try to fit all five of your kids in a refrigerator box behind the bowling alley.

"This is terrible! Why did you say this is one of the greatest moments in American history, you twisted freak?" you may be asking. Keep reading, bub, I'm getting to that.

In a great ironic twist in the tale, Logan Darrow Clements, CEO of Freestar Media, LLC, aims to take advantage of this ruling to have 34 Cilley Hill Road in Weare, New Hampshire condemned to make way for a new hotel. What's so great about that, you ask? 34 Cilley Hill Road just happens to be Supreme Court Justice David H. Souter's home! That's right, one of the justices responsible for one of the greatest outrages in American History is about to fall victim to his own doings in one of the sweetest acts of protest to ever take place.

As if that's not enough, the proposed hotel is called "The Lost Liberty Hotel" and will include the "Just Desserts Cafe" and a museum highlighting the decline of American liberties.

I think this hotel is a fantastic idea, and if I had any money at all, I'd definitely invest in it. I hope it's a success, because the Court ruled 5-4 on this issue, and that means we need another four hotels built stat.