Sorry about that, guys. I guess January just bowled me over like so many soda bottles in the back warehouse of the supermarket during the annual against-all-the-official-rules Thanksgiving time turkey bowling tournament that all supermarket employees apparently do, if sitcoms and angsty family dramas are to be believed (and I assume they are). My sincerest apologies.
Well, let's get down to it. As is my usual routine, I'll go through my predictions one-by-one and see how psychic I actually am. I've fared pretty well in the past, so I've got a lot of dignity riding on these results (by which I mean I actually have nothing whatsoever riding on these results).
So here we go. Ready? OKAY!
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* My cooking, which is good but certainly nothing gourmet, is the subject of critical acclaim.
Nope. To be honest, I wrote this prediction the day after I submitted a recipe to a contest from the back of a pizza crust package. Apparently I was over-confident in myself.
* I get, and destroy, some awesome pants. These are hopefully two separate pairs, as I'd hate to destroy awesome pants right after getting them.
Yes. I got a brand new pair of khakis in January, and by March they were wearing paint due to somebody at work failing to cordon off a work area. That incident sums up how things work at that company pretty well.
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| Pretty much exactly like this. |
* Brent surprises absolutely everyone by not contracting any STIs this year. This is most likely due to the fact that there are simply no more STIs left for him to contract.
Yes. Somehow, Brent managed to avoid contracting a single VD in 2011. Incidentally, he also landed a ladyfriend this year. Coincidence?
* A major purchase, like a car or some durable good, is in my future. I don't have any idea how this will happen, as I don't anticipate being able to afford anything in the next year.
Sort of. I didn't make a major purchase, but I did inherit a car. Also, sort of plus one on predicting that I wouldn't be able to afford jack shiz this year.
* A new job opportunity comes my way, and it's probably something unexpected and fairly exciting. This may help to explain how the above prediction can take place.
Yes. I got a new job, finally. You can now find me making your favorite handcrafted beverages at Starbucks Coffee Company. It's a much better company than my last one, so that's nice. Also, as a side note, I'm the only male in a store of 17 women. Needless to say, even my cycles are starting to synchronize.
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| Me with my co-workers. I'm the one with the beard. |
* Someone I know gets punched right in the face. RIGHT IN THE FACE!
Yes. My brother (a cop) fulfilled this prediction literally days before the year's end by getting in a pretty serious brawl with some ill-mannered street toughs. Not only did he get punched right in the face (RIGHT IN THE FACE!), but he actually got sent right to the hospital (RIGHT TO THE HOSPITAL!) with a bite wound (!) that punched right through his shirt AND his jacket (!!!) and into his flesh. The guy with the strong teeth didn't fare nearly as well, I'm told.
* There will be a huge, huge scandal that turns everything upside down. The scandal will be old, but the news will be new. It will result in plenty of lost jobs, even more lost money, and at least one or two arrests.
Yes. May I briefly remind you of the Penn State scandal, in which former coach Jerry Sandusky was found to have spent the last several years raping boys in the locker room showers, and a number of school officials, presumably more concerned about the school's football program than about the fact that people are getting raped by their football coach, covered up the abuse just like the current Pope did before he was Pope. So that makes for a perfect score (regrettably) for this prediction: The scandal was old (Sandusky is alleged to have been raping people from as early on as the 70s), but the news was new (Sandusky was indicted on 11/4/11), plenty of jobs were lost (five, by my count), even more money was lost (it was good knowing you, profitable football program), and there were at least one or two arrests (three, actually).
* White supremacists will make headlines for doing something asinine, as white supremacists are prone to do.
Yes, but it depends on how you define asinine. How about a Nazi group adopting-a-highway in Delaware? Is that asinine, or just kind of silly? I guess it's your call.
On a sort-of related note, 2011 also saw former skinhead leader Bryon Widner undergo 25 surgeries to remove a bunch of Nazi tattoos from his face so he can put his wicked past behind him. That's not something asinine, and he's not currently a white supremacist (although he used to be), but it is neat enough to justify sharing here.
* At least two people I know beget children. These two people are, naturally, people whom I do not expect to be begetting children. This may be a result of the many unexpected marriages I predicted in years past.
Yes. A whole grip of them, most of whom I will not even bother listing (because you probably don't know them anyway). I will mention, though, that I had a niece born this year, which is pretty cool.
* Something from outer space collides with the earth, or with something we put into space from the earth. The price of tin foil goes sky high.
Yes. How about this? And this one? And this one here? Man, are there any satellites left in space?
* I appear on TV for some reason. I regret the fact that my hair looks so bad the one day I happen to be in front of a camera.
No. To my knowledge, I did not appear on TV this year. Although I did have plenty of days where my hair looked like crap.
* I think something in my life is going to catch fire. I hope it's not going to be like that time the whole city of San Diego burned down.
Maybe? I feel confident that something did in fact go up in flames, although I can't recall what it could have been. For purposes of the scorecard, I'm going to have to count this as a 'No', which is a bummer.
* I don't know why, but I think something bad will happen involving Adam Sandler.
Yes.
* I come in contact with a celebrity, who addresses me by name.
No. I don't remember encountering any celebrities this past year, but I did get one of my tweets favorited by a Canadian humorist, if that's worth anything.
* Madness, sheer madness, insanity, and inanity. Chinatown won't even know what hit it.
Not really, but kind of. There was a decent showing of madness, moderate insanity, and low-but-steady inanity throughout the year, but probably not amounting to the levels I had in mind when I made this prediction.
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| This is about as insane and inane as it got. This is admittedly unimpressive. I'm getting old, you see. |
And the final numbers are in. Out of 15 predictions, I was correct 9 times, incorrect 4 times, and "kinda sorta" correct twice. That leaves me with a .60 average, which is 3.3% lower than last year, which means I need to really step up my game when it comes to psychic abilities.
Now, please enjoy this picture of an anthropomorphic peanut:
