Alright, I'm at a New Years Party, and I'm getting a lot of crap for nerding out on the blogosphere instead of playing Apples to Apples, so I'm gonna make this quick and dirty.
The following things will take place in the year 2009:
* I actually do get that darn job this time. I'm very effing due.
* Some schmuck will try to kill President Obama. He will not be successful.
* Brent, naturally, will contract a baker's dozen STIs. He's very effing due.
* Caleb gets a swinging bachelor pad, a new chair, and an embarrassing rash.
* Someone I know will get in an auto accident.
* Charles really will be the gentleman caller to a female acquaintance for at least 45 minutes. He's very effing due.
* At least three massive political scandals. Not just little Larry Craig style, either. I'm talking Duke Cunningham and Rod Blagojevich calibre scandals that make Jay Leno not even have to try anymore.
* Someone extremely unlikely gets engaged. Heads explode.
* Sheer madness, the likes of which hasn't been seen since 2005. The kind of madness that'd make King George seem pretty straightforward.
a collection of musings on life, politics, culture, and humor.
December 31, 2008
2008 predictions revisited
I'm writing this on a friend's computer, and have no choice but to reluctantly use Internet Explorer instead of a decent browser (i.e., anything besides Explorer). Due to the fact that Explorer sucks monkey feet, I have to rewrite this entire entry because IE decided to wait until I'd spent well over an hour writing and then erase everything, just to be a bastard. I hate Microsoft.
Anyway, enough ranting. Back to business. As you know, I spend every New Years Eve not having fun at parties, but blogging about my predictions for the upcoming year. Before I make my '09 predictions, it would be suitable to take a look back at the predictions I made last year and see how I fared. So, in the immortal words of the Joker's plastic surgeon, "Let's see how we did".
My predictions for 2008 were:
* I will get a new job. This job will be full time, and will pay enough that I only have to work the one job, and not two jobs. I will have time for hobbies, I will have a social life, and I'll actually have some of my paycheck left in the bank by the next payday. I've heard of that concept before; I think it's called "saving".
What a depressing way to start. Obviously, when I wrote this last year, I had no way to know that the economy would take a swan dive into the crapper, and finding a job would be about as easy as solving a Rubik's Cube. Needless to say, this prediction did not come true.
* Brent, of course, will contract yet another STI.
This one is always a slam dunk. I might as well predict that the sun will rise tomorrow.
* Someone I know will get engaged. This seems like a pretty safe bet these days; it's like there's a contagion going around, and at least one or two friends get infected every year.
About a week after I wrote this, my friend Lori got engaged to a guy who looks like Barak Obama. Sweet! A little later in the year, my ex-girlfriend Elaine got engaged, too. And finally, my friend Jessica, who had previously agreed to be a party to my aspirations of polygamy, got engaged to some other chump. Psh!
* I read at least one book in its entirety. This is a much more realistic prediction than last year's.
I did this! I read a book about leading a small youth group. It was a small book, but a book nonetheless.
* Big energy breakthrough.
Nothing earth-shattering, but instead a steady stream of little breakthroughs with huge potential (eg., 1, 2, 3, 4, 5).
* I make a new friend or two, who turn out to be really good ones. Yeah, I predicted this last year and was wrong, but this year I'm getting a new job and a social life, remember?
Oh yeah, this was a good year for making friends... Bekah, Shayna, Emilie, Trina, and Miki entered the world of Caleb's amigos this year. Notice how they're all chicks? That's weird, huh?
* Caleb makes some music. And not the kind that comes from eating lots of beans and cabbage.
Well, I got a standing ovation at a karaoke bar for my rendition of Mack the Knife; does that count?
* Caleb eats lots of beans. Doubtful on the cabbage.
Plenty of beans, and at least three times as much cabbage as last year. Nice.
* Charles is a gentleman caller to a young lady. For at least 45 minutes.
No, but he did get caught up in an elaborate lie in which he had to tell someone's mother-in-law that he was taking a girl to a Christmas party.
* Someone fairly unlikely gets discovered and given no less than 15 minutes of fame. This is someone I know, not just some random fool like that bro who got tased.
My brother was presented to Arnold at a packed-out Chargers game after the fires this year. That sort of counts, doesn't it? Wait, that was in 2007? Well, crap.
* Absolute madness, mischief, and mayhem of the highest degree.
Nothing stands up to 2007, when Durfey ended up naked in a fountain...
So, how did I do? Final count shows 7 accurate predictions, and 3 less-than-so. Not half bad, especially considering how lackluster this year was. Now, on to the predictions for 2009...
Anyway, enough ranting. Back to business. As you know, I spend every New Years Eve not having fun at parties, but blogging about my predictions for the upcoming year. Before I make my '09 predictions, it would be suitable to take a look back at the predictions I made last year and see how I fared. So, in the immortal words of the Joker's plastic surgeon, "Let's see how we did".
My predictions for 2008 were:
* I will get a new job. This job will be full time, and will pay enough that I only have to work the one job, and not two jobs. I will have time for hobbies, I will have a social life, and I'll actually have some of my paycheck left in the bank by the next payday. I've heard of that concept before; I think it's called "saving".
What a depressing way to start. Obviously, when I wrote this last year, I had no way to know that the economy would take a swan dive into the crapper, and finding a job would be about as easy as solving a Rubik's Cube. Needless to say, this prediction did not come true.
* Brent, of course, will contract yet another STI.
This one is always a slam dunk. I might as well predict that the sun will rise tomorrow.
* Someone I know will get engaged. This seems like a pretty safe bet these days; it's like there's a contagion going around, and at least one or two friends get infected every year.
About a week after I wrote this, my friend Lori got engaged to a guy who looks like Barak Obama. Sweet! A little later in the year, my ex-girlfriend Elaine got engaged, too. And finally, my friend Jessica, who had previously agreed to be a party to my aspirations of polygamy, got engaged to some other chump. Psh!
* I read at least one book in its entirety. This is a much more realistic prediction than last year's.
I did this! I read a book about leading a small youth group. It was a small book, but a book nonetheless.
* Big energy breakthrough.
Nothing earth-shattering, but instead a steady stream of little breakthroughs with huge potential (eg., 1, 2, 3, 4, 5).
* I make a new friend or two, who turn out to be really good ones. Yeah, I predicted this last year and was wrong, but this year I'm getting a new job and a social life, remember?
Oh yeah, this was a good year for making friends... Bekah, Shayna, Emilie, Trina, and Miki entered the world of Caleb's amigos this year. Notice how they're all chicks? That's weird, huh?
* Caleb makes some music. And not the kind that comes from eating lots of beans and cabbage.
Well, I got a standing ovation at a karaoke bar for my rendition of Mack the Knife; does that count?
* Caleb eats lots of beans. Doubtful on the cabbage.
Plenty of beans, and at least three times as much cabbage as last year. Nice.
* Charles is a gentleman caller to a young lady. For at least 45 minutes.
No, but he did get caught up in an elaborate lie in which he had to tell someone's mother-in-law that he was taking a girl to a Christmas party.
* Someone fairly unlikely gets discovered and given no less than 15 minutes of fame. This is someone I know, not just some random fool like that bro who got tased.
My brother was presented to Arnold at a packed-out Chargers game after the fires this year. That sort of counts, doesn't it? Wait, that was in 2007? Well, crap.
* Absolute madness, mischief, and mayhem of the highest degree.
Nothing stands up to 2007, when Durfey ended up naked in a fountain...
So, how did I do? Final count shows 7 accurate predictions, and 3 less-than-so. Not half bad, especially considering how lackluster this year was. Now, on to the predictions for 2009...
November 22, 2008
October 20, 2008
somehow, this seemed perfectly reasonable to them
Good news for all of you procrastinators, lazy slobs, and irresponsible schmucks: your failure to do things right just may pay off for you!
Take these 88 University students in England who failed to submit their housing papers on time. When they found themselves without dorms (the logical consequence), the school was gracious enough to accommodate them anyway, and found a place for them to stay. Pretty nice of them, huh? But there's a fine line between nice and asinine, and since I'm writing about it here, I think we all know which side of the line they chose.
Nice would be making some grad student dorms, or other similar accommodations, available for the self-displaced students; really nice would be bringing in some modular housing, and perhaps charging them for the added expense (and even that would be a little much, I think). But the school catapulted straight over the nice-line and landed square in the heart of asinine country when they decided to put them up in a 5-star luxury hotel, complete with gourmet food, bubbling jacuzzis, and more high-end hookers than you can shake a stick at. And with rooms going for £50-£120 per day, we're looking at a £700-£1680 bill per room for the two weeks it took for the university to find more appropriate housing. So that means, assuming that students were paired two-per-room, that the final bill was somewhere between £30,800-£73,920 (or $53,548-$128,515 US dollars), not including meals. And the really nice part for the students? They paid the same rate for this Home Alone 2-style adventure as their dorm-dwelling counterparts, with the school generously picking up the difference.
So slackers and half-wits, take heart! If you tend to fail at life, rejoice! For Leicester University has set a bold precedent, and you can now fail no more. Forgot to go to class all semester? No problem, they'll probably give you an A out of pity. Did you shite on the department head's shoes? Don't worry, they'll make you Dean. The more epic your fail, the greater your win! How can you possibly go wrong?
[Related story.]
Take these 88 University students in England who failed to submit their housing papers on time. When they found themselves without dorms (the logical consequence), the school was gracious enough to accommodate them anyway, and found a place for them to stay. Pretty nice of them, huh? But there's a fine line between nice and asinine, and since I'm writing about it here, I think we all know which side of the line they chose.
Nice would be making some grad student dorms, or other similar accommodations, available for the self-displaced students; really nice would be bringing in some modular housing, and perhaps charging them for the added expense (and even that would be a little much, I think). But the school catapulted straight over the nice-line and landed square in the heart of asinine country when they decided to put them up in a 5-star luxury hotel, complete with gourmet food, bubbling jacuzzis, and more high-end hookers than you can shake a stick at. And with rooms going for £50-£120 per day, we're looking at a £700-£1680 bill per room for the two weeks it took for the university to find more appropriate housing. So that means, assuming that students were paired two-per-room, that the final bill was somewhere between £30,800-£73,920 (or $53,548-$128,515 US dollars), not including meals. And the really nice part for the students? They paid the same rate for this Home Alone 2-style adventure as their dorm-dwelling counterparts, with the school generously picking up the difference.
So slackers and half-wits, take heart! If you tend to fail at life, rejoice! For Leicester University has set a bold precedent, and you can now fail no more. Forgot to go to class all semester? No problem, they'll probably give you an A out of pity. Did you shite on the department head's shoes? Don't worry, they'll make you Dean. The more epic your fail, the greater your win! How can you possibly go wrong?
[Related story.]
October 17, 2008
so radical, it makes me want to punch babies
This is a hundred times sweeter than whatever you put up in your dorm, and you know it.
if you don't want to see it, maybe you ought to
I've not yet seen Bill Maher's new movie Religulous, but I'd really like to. After reading this review, I'm even more excited about it.
Please note that I didn't write this (I haven't seen it, remember?); I'm just reproducing someone else's work.
Movie Review: Religulous
by Steve Holt
I saw Bill Maher’s Religulous on Saturday night. Maher, along with Borat director Larry Charles, has produced a “scripted comedy” (Maher is careful not to call this a documentary) in which he pokes holes in supernatural belief and its’ wildly different manifestations around the world. To say he targets the lowest common denominators in the interviews he chose for the movie would be a gross understatement; a group of toothless long-haulers at a truck stop church provides the movie’s most heart-warming moment from a spiritual perspective. Besides the truckers, Maher speaks with:
…the curator of the Creation Museum in Hebron, Ky.
…two gay Muslims in Amsterdam.
…a radical, anti-Zionist Rabbi, who, shockingly, frustrated Maher to the point that the slick-haired comedian actually took his mics off and ended the interview.
…a drug-laced Amsterdam man who believes marijuana produces a religious experience.
Again, Maher is not making a documentary, which, by the strictest definition, is more of an objective, journalistic look at a subject from every angle. He produced Religulous with one goal: to demonstrate the stupidity, and ultimately the danger, of religion.
If I were to judge his success solely based on the information given in the film, I probably would not still be a follower of Jesus. But my thought throughout the film - which is side-splittingly hilarious, by the way - was that “this is not the whole story.” In fact, much of the fodder for Maher’s ridicule is not even part of the story.
A 5,000-year-old Earth?
Bling-donning pastors preaching health and wealth?
A Puerto Rican dude who claims to be the anti-Christ?
Is this all you got, Bill? Really?
But as we left a packed Boston theater, I realized that Maher is asking the same questions as many of those exiting around us. The conversations I overheard revealed a deep distrust in institutionalized religion first and foremost, with an openness to the unexplainable and mysterious. For many Americans, Maher is stepping out as the only one willing to publicly say some of these things, and people of faith would do well to listen.
Those of us who do believe (and live, and act, and hope) could have one of two reactions to a movie like this.
1) Boycott it. Undoubtedly, this is the stance of many Evangelical Christians in America. Their view? Maher shows his cards before we ever sit down at the table, and he cheats, smokes, drinks and cusses his way through the poker game. So we’re sitting this game out. Sorry, Bill.
2) Watch it. You’ll laugh right along with your heathen neighbors at the stupidity of the faithful. You’ll cringe at the bad theology. But you’ll be taking a seat at a conversation already in progress, occurring in the back alleys, pubs, book clubs, and universities of the world. Basically everywhere besides the church.
Of course, I hope Christians will choose the latter. But when we see this film, we should remember a couple things. First, resist the temptation to defend religion. Religion binds, harms, and causes its adherents to follow suit. Religion is man-created, and therefore broken. In this film, Maher is simply observing and underscoring what we’ve known for thousands of years: that left to our own devices, humans have always taken the teachings and actions of Jesus and Muhammed and Yahweh and changed and added to them to suit our own selfish desires, leading to some of the worst atrocities history has ever seen. Maher is almost completely correct in his gloomy assessment of religion, the man-made and imperfect institution.
Second, remember that for many of us, there’s an alternative story to Maher’s assessment of religious belief, especially Christianity. At one point, Maher asks an Evangelical who ascribes to a Lehaye-esque End Days theology a thoughtful question: “Doesn’t all this talk about the end of the world prevent Christians from actually improving the world today?” My answer, to quote Sarah Pailin, is “You betcha.” We know that following Jesus means joining the ancient, cosmic rescue operation begun by God through his remnant in Israel, and continued and sealed through the life, death, resurrection and reign of Jesus of Nazareth. As N.T. Wright puts it, Jesus’ death and resurrection doesn’t mean we are saved from the world, but saved into the grand mission of God. Through communities of Christians around the world, God is changing apartment complexes, blocks, cities, and nations into that which God created them to be.
The religion that goes to war, divides over petty issues, and alienates the world [that God so loved] is not true religion. According to James, true religion is the kind that follows Jesus in looking after the most marginalized ones in our society, which in Jesus’ day were widows and orphans.
At the end of the day, my assessment is that like many other agnostics/skeptics/atheists, Maher’s main problem isn’t so much with belief or the person of Jesus, but with fallen believers who choose to follow what he believes is a fairytale instead of actually making the world a better place. He’s also on the offense against absolute certainty among the faithful without doubts or questions … you know, the ones who lean on supposed proven empirical data, the Bible as science text book, and warmed over clichés as their foundations.
These answers simply won’t fly for Maher, whose questions stump nearly everyone with whom he speaks. The clichés and pat answers also won’t fly with most of our neighbors.
I’ll close by returning to the most positive depiction of the faithful Maher gives us in his film, the guys in the truck stop chapel. After the chaplain gives Maher a few minutes to take to the pulpit to ask a few of his biting questions, a number of men leave the service. But a few stick around, politely answering his questions to the best of their ability. They are clearly not Ph.Ds in theology, but they do listen to Maher (a courtesy Maher does not grant to every one of those he speaks with) and then pray for the comedian before he leaves.
As Maher walks away, he has a smile on his face, a genuine look of peace. His departing words to the circle of mostly overweight, toothless rednecks is startling:
“Thank you for being Christ-like, not just Christians.”
Amen, Bill.
Author Bio: Steve Holt is a disciple, writer, husband, and proud father to an apricot mini poodle, and he lives and conspires in East Boston, MA. You can find his musings about faith, culture, and mission at harvestboston.wordpress.com
Please note that I didn't write this (I haven't seen it, remember?); I'm just reproducing someone else's work.
Movie Review: Religulous
by Steve Holt
I saw Bill Maher’s Religulous on Saturday night. Maher, along with Borat director Larry Charles, has produced a “scripted comedy” (Maher is careful not to call this a documentary) in which he pokes holes in supernatural belief and its’ wildly different manifestations around the world. To say he targets the lowest common denominators in the interviews he chose for the movie would be a gross understatement; a group of toothless long-haulers at a truck stop church provides the movie’s most heart-warming moment from a spiritual perspective. Besides the truckers, Maher speaks with:
…the curator of the Creation Museum in Hebron, Ky.
…two gay Muslims in Amsterdam.
…a radical, anti-Zionist Rabbi, who, shockingly, frustrated Maher to the point that the slick-haired comedian actually took his mics off and ended the interview.
…a drug-laced Amsterdam man who believes marijuana produces a religious experience.
Again, Maher is not making a documentary, which, by the strictest definition, is more of an objective, journalistic look at a subject from every angle. He produced Religulous with one goal: to demonstrate the stupidity, and ultimately the danger, of religion.
If I were to judge his success solely based on the information given in the film, I probably would not still be a follower of Jesus. But my thought throughout the film - which is side-splittingly hilarious, by the way - was that “this is not the whole story.” In fact, much of the fodder for Maher’s ridicule is not even part of the story.
A 5,000-year-old Earth?
Bling-donning pastors preaching health and wealth?
A Puerto Rican dude who claims to be the anti-Christ?
Is this all you got, Bill? Really?
But as we left a packed Boston theater, I realized that Maher is asking the same questions as many of those exiting around us. The conversations I overheard revealed a deep distrust in institutionalized religion first and foremost, with an openness to the unexplainable and mysterious. For many Americans, Maher is stepping out as the only one willing to publicly say some of these things, and people of faith would do well to listen.
Those of us who do believe (and live, and act, and hope) could have one of two reactions to a movie like this.
1) Boycott it. Undoubtedly, this is the stance of many Evangelical Christians in America. Their view? Maher shows his cards before we ever sit down at the table, and he cheats, smokes, drinks and cusses his way through the poker game. So we’re sitting this game out. Sorry, Bill.
2) Watch it. You’ll laugh right along with your heathen neighbors at the stupidity of the faithful. You’ll cringe at the bad theology. But you’ll be taking a seat at a conversation already in progress, occurring in the back alleys, pubs, book clubs, and universities of the world. Basically everywhere besides the church.
Of course, I hope Christians will choose the latter. But when we see this film, we should remember a couple things. First, resist the temptation to defend religion. Religion binds, harms, and causes its adherents to follow suit. Religion is man-created, and therefore broken. In this film, Maher is simply observing and underscoring what we’ve known for thousands of years: that left to our own devices, humans have always taken the teachings and actions of Jesus and Muhammed and Yahweh and changed and added to them to suit our own selfish desires, leading to some of the worst atrocities history has ever seen. Maher is almost completely correct in his gloomy assessment of religion, the man-made and imperfect institution.
Second, remember that for many of us, there’s an alternative story to Maher’s assessment of religious belief, especially Christianity. At one point, Maher asks an Evangelical who ascribes to a Lehaye-esque End Days theology a thoughtful question: “Doesn’t all this talk about the end of the world prevent Christians from actually improving the world today?” My answer, to quote Sarah Pailin, is “You betcha.” We know that following Jesus means joining the ancient, cosmic rescue operation begun by God through his remnant in Israel, and continued and sealed through the life, death, resurrection and reign of Jesus of Nazareth. As N.T. Wright puts it, Jesus’ death and resurrection doesn’t mean we are saved from the world, but saved into the grand mission of God. Through communities of Christians around the world, God is changing apartment complexes, blocks, cities, and nations into that which God created them to be.
The religion that goes to war, divides over petty issues, and alienates the world [that God so loved] is not true religion. According to James, true religion is the kind that follows Jesus in looking after the most marginalized ones in our society, which in Jesus’ day were widows and orphans.
At the end of the day, my assessment is that like many other agnostics/skeptics/atheists, Maher’s main problem isn’t so much with belief or the person of Jesus, but with fallen believers who choose to follow what he believes is a fairytale instead of actually making the world a better place. He’s also on the offense against absolute certainty among the faithful without doubts or questions … you know, the ones who lean on supposed proven empirical data, the Bible as science text book, and warmed over clichés as their foundations.
These answers simply won’t fly for Maher, whose questions stump nearly everyone with whom he speaks. The clichés and pat answers also won’t fly with most of our neighbors.
I’ll close by returning to the most positive depiction of the faithful Maher gives us in his film, the guys in the truck stop chapel. After the chaplain gives Maher a few minutes to take to the pulpit to ask a few of his biting questions, a number of men leave the service. But a few stick around, politely answering his questions to the best of their ability. They are clearly not Ph.Ds in theology, but they do listen to Maher (a courtesy Maher does not grant to every one of those he speaks with) and then pray for the comedian before he leaves.
As Maher walks away, he has a smile on his face, a genuine look of peace. His departing words to the circle of mostly overweight, toothless rednecks is startling:
“Thank you for being Christ-like, not just Christians.”
Amen, Bill.
Author Bio: Steve Holt is a disciple, writer, husband, and proud father to an apricot mini poodle, and he lives and conspires in East Boston, MA. You can find his musings about faith, culture, and mission at harvestboston.wordpress.com
October 5, 2008
how does the mouse stay in place?
For those of us who have had it up to here with surfing the internet while not lounging at a 45-degree angle, the ErgoPod 500 is here to save the day. Good thing it's got that huge steel bar on top.
This is just one of the many strange and delightful things I've found while cleaning out my Bookmarks folder. If you're lucky, I may post more of my findings.
This is just one of the many strange and delightful things I've found while cleaning out my Bookmarks folder. If you're lucky, I may post more of my findings.
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