October 27, 2011

some haikus about the national football league

This post is part of a feature where people give me a topic and I write 12 haiku about it. This particular topic comes from @DavidSeawright.



NFL stands for
The National Football League
It's a group of teams

Does ESPN
Have exclusive rights to it?
I don't really watch

The Oakland Raiders
Their mascot has an eye patch
But where's his crack pipe?

Sunday Night Football
I've never even watched it
What time is it on?

What's with those stupid
New England Patriot jerks?
Can't they lose for once?

Go San Diego!
Chargers wear blue and yellow
I like Padres more

What's with the pig skin?
Is that really a bladder?
That's pretty effed up

In the Batman show
The Animated Series
Robin played football

Remember that guy
Who wore a chicken costume?
I heard he sold out

Managers are rich
Didn't George Bush own a team?
Or was that baseball?

I hear concussions
Are a problem in football
Helmets are useless

Despite what they say
When I watch the Superbowl
The commercials suck

October 17, 2011

hayes you guyyyyyys!

I saw a novelty $1M bill today. This wasn't the first time I've seen one, but it was the first one I've seen with Rutherford B. Hayes on it.

When I saw it, I said, "Haha, is that Rutherford B. Hayes? Awesome." Then I realized that I am able to identify Rutherford B. Hayes just by his picture. I'm not sure whether to be proud of this or concerned.

But either way, this is probably the only picture of Rutherford B. Hayes ever to be printed outside of a Presidential timeline in a history textbook.

October 15, 2011

October 2, 2011

"meta" hours of operation

I found myself in need of a replacement Social Security card, so I headed over to the SSA's website to find the hours of operation for the nearest office. Instead, I found the hours of operation for the web page that tells me the office hours. Yes, you read that right. The hours of operation... for the web page.

This still blows my mind every single time I see it.

Not being one to shy away from leaving constructive feedback, I decided to bring the problem to somebody's attention. Although being that I'm contacting the same people who thought it was a good idea to put office hours on a website in the first place, I'm not expecting much in the way of results. But nevertheless, here's what I wrote (click the image to enlarge):

I had to edit out four different swear words before it got to this stage.

After I wrote that, I thought it might be a little too snarky to submit. After all, the recipient of my snark is likely to be a person who already has the misfortune of working in Washington, DC (oy!) for the federal government (double oy!) in a little cubicle (triple oy!), and tasked with reading and responding to people's complaints all day long (mother effing balls oy!). So I decided to tone it down a bit, and ended up submitting this:


Maybe still a little bitchier than it needs to be, but it is what it is. We'll see what happens. Maybe it'll go to a committee for discussion, and then to a task force, then back to another committee, then submitted for vote, then conditionally voted down, then rewritten and log rolled into a bill about consumer privacy protections and passed, then passed on to another task force who will resolve the problem by spending $1.3M to construct a facility to house all of the federal government's secure servers in one central location, which, in order to reduce cost to the taxpayer, will only be operational Monday through Friday, between the hours of 5:00 AM and 10:00 PM EST.

August 23, 2011

a whole lotta shakin' goin' on (but that's all relative)

The Eastern US is in hysterics today, following an earthquake in the DC area earlier this morning. The way the media are covering this event, you'd think the earth split open and swallowed the White House.

What today's East Coast quake felt like, to East Coasters.
For those of us living in California, of course, the whole episode is entirely silly. Earthquakes here are a dime a dozen; we sleep through most of our temblors, and can't even bother ourselves to move from the couch for anything less than a 6.9. When they make the news, little attention is given to them outside of a few observations and B-roll footage of a leaking water pipe or something. So naturally, the excessive coverage and Twitter chatter about today's tremor is entirely laughable to us Southern Californians.

How East Coasters during an earthquake look to Californians.
Yeah, we Californians would never get so bent out of shape over a paltry 5.9 like our friends back East do. We reserve our media freakouts for when Mother Nature does something really crazy. Like two consecutive days of rain!

"Things are expected to get pretty hairy on Wednesday and Thursday!"
I guess the extremity of Nature's doings is just like that family reunion you had to go to last summer: all relatives.

July 29, 2011

"tipping" the scales of justice

A North Carolina waitress named Judy Proffitt has been arrested and charged with seven counts of "obtaining property by false pretenses" for altering the tip amounts on her checks at the restaurant where she worked.

Maybe she was trying to finance a new pair of glasses

It was a clever plan, but one that can only go on for so long before someone notices. Seriously, Judy, there are much safer ways to turn a Proffitt! Oh thank you, thank you, I'm here aaaaaaaaaall week.

July 27, 2011

80 ron? sure.

I was watching an episode of Seinfeld tonight on a Russian video hosting site, when I saw this ad:
I don't know who Dan Petrescu is (Russia's answer to Marc Summers, from the looks of it), but he's the Russian lovechild of Bill Maher and Mario Lopez.

That's really all I wanted to say.