Is it just me, or is the Christmas spirit dying a little more each year? I don't think it's just because I'm getting older, either. I think there are fewer Christmas specials on TV, fewer decorations in public places, and overall holiday cheer is going the way of Polio.

But the most unsettling part is the lack of Christmas charities. What happened to all the Toys for Tots bins that used to be in front of stores? Is there a shortage of marines or something? And I've only seen one Salvation Army bell ringer so far this year. They used to be outside of every Target and supermarket. What's going on?

It's like Santa Claus got pissed off at the churches for reminding people of the true meaning of Christmas, which threatens his job security, so he and his elf goons went around muscling up anybody who tried collecting things for the poor and needy. Well your guido scare tactics aren't gonna work, fat man! I'm gonna buy less and less stuff than ever before, just to spite you. I'm not even going to use wrapping paper. Getting nervous?

I know one person isn't going to make much of a dent in your profits, but once everybody checks out Buy Nothing Christmas, I bet your fur-trimmed wallet's gonna start feeling a little lighter. Oooh, is it getting hot in here, fatso?

You're the worst monster in Big Business. You're an enemy to all things good and holy and kind. You make the Grinch look like Martin Luther King, you greedy a-hole. Bite me, Santa. Get bent. I hope your sleigh crashes into an iceberg.

- Caleb

I figured California would be the first to do it, but the tiny, isolationist nation of Bhutan has just enacted the world's first total ban on tobacco. If you're one of the estimated 7,000 smokers in the country, never fear; you're still free to smoke – so long as you do it within the confines of your home, and the fumes don't mix with the outside air. And you'll have to have your cigs imported from neighboring India, too, because it's illegal to buy or sell tobacco products within the country's borders. Not only that, but you can look forward to paying a 100% sales tax on the imported smokes in addition to the purchase and shipping costs.

I know Bhutan has never been much of a trend-setter, but I really hope this idea catches on. The world needs it. If this was a high school newspaper, I would have said, "The rest of the world would do well to catch this law second-hand," but I'm not gonna lower myself to that level.

Amazed that smoking is still allowed in 193 countries,

- Caleb

As I was coming into my neighborhood on my way home from school today, I noticed that the white minivan driving in front of me was none other than my Mr. Toad-esque neighbor, now world famous for her poor driving skills. This excited me, for I knew another crappy park job was imminent. I followed closely – but not too closely; I didn't want to arouse suspicion – and carefully observed every nuance of her maneuvering. Sending my expectations straight to hell, she actually piloted her vehicle pretty soberly. This bothered me. As we approached her house, though, a glimmer of hope shone bright in my eye. Yes, this is the neighbor we've come to know so well. With a thump! thump! she cut the corner too close, and in her trademark move, drove right over the sloping edge of the sidewalk. "I knew you wouldn't disappoint!" I sang with glee as I zipped past the house. And that was the highlight of my day, even more so than acing my biology final.

David Battle met Devon in eighth grade, and married her five years later.

Two months after the wedding, he was shipped off to war in Iraq.

Three months later, David's left hand was maimed when he came under attack in Fallujah.

He was transported to a hospital, where he began treatment.

The doctors told him they'd have to cut his wedding ring off in order to save his finger.

He said his wife is the love of his life, and he couldn't bear to see her ring destroyed.

They told him it was either the ring or the finger.

So he told them to cut his finger off, and leave the ring intact.

So they did. And David was happy.

But then the doctors lost his ring.

The End.

it seems this kind of story is becoming a theme here on ochius...

Sad Serb axes penis, then regrets decision
‘All’s well that ends well,’ says doctor after reattachment - MSNBC Reports

I especially like the fact that the doctor referred to it as "his tool."

- Caleb

[EDIT: MSNBC.com no longer has this story archived on their server. Here is the text:]

BELGRADE, Serbia-Montenegro - A Serbian man was so depressed by his family’s dire financial situation that he cut off his penis with an ax, only to regret it afterwards and ask for help, Serbian media said Friday.

The 30-year-old from the industrial town of Kragujevac in central Serbia was distraught by what he described as “the poverty and misery” around him, daily Kurir reported.

“My wife is sick, and I can’t even buy medicine. My father, mother and I live from my father’s paltry salary,” the man was quoted as saying.

“I saw no other way out, grabbed a rusty two-and-a-half-kilo ax, took my penis out, put it on a log and bam!”

The sight of blood brought him to his senses, he said.

“Only then did I come to and screamed as loudly as I could, realizing I didn’t have it any more,” he was quoted as saying.

Neighbors heard his screaming and rushed him to hospital, where doctors sewed his penis back on.

“The most important thing is that his tool is back in place. All’s well that ends well,” said doctor Srecko Djordjevic, who performed the operation.

Copyright 2004 Reuters Limited. All rights reserved. Republication or redistribution of Reuters content is expressly prohibited without the prior written consent of Reuters. [woops!]

My neighbor was seen pulling into her driveway tonight for the first time in 69 days. Needless to say, she did a pretty crappy job.

The incident began with a haphazard, too-fast-for-conditions swerve onto the drive, followed by a reversal and then a re-adjustment.

Just like last time, she grazed the edge of the sidewalk on her way in. It was not seen whether she drove over the grass, however she did back up in a straight line, lending support to my hypothesis that my neighbor is incapable of turning the wheel while reversing.

Keeping an ever watchful eye across the street,
- Caleb