an open letter to the angry rioting serbs

Dear Angry Rioting Serbs,

I understand that you're upset about Kosovo's Declaration of Independence, but burning our embassy will not bring your territory back. If you want reunification, try appealing to the UN, NATO, and your Serbian government. No matter how upset you are, rioting and killing people will not help your cause; indeed, it will only serve to hurt it.

If you absolutely have to throw a collective tantrum, effigies are generally preferable to burning actual people. Angry rock music is helpful, too. After 9/11, I listened to Twisted Sister's We're Not Gonna Take It on perpetual loop for about three weeks, and that seemed to do the trick.

Believe me, Angry Rioting Serbs, I can sympathize with your outrage. Part of my country declared independence once, and we marched into their cities and slaughtered every man, woman, and child within striking distance. Now this was a terrible solution to the problem, but I guess it's just part of our human nature to react violently in the face of secession. I encourage you to not follow the poor example we set in our Civil War, though, and take the higher ground by doing things the right way.

I know you've got it in you, Angry Rioting Serbs. So go and show the world that you're the bigger man, and stop burning down my effing embassy, okay?

Yours truly,
Caleb Ruggiero