a retrospective

Lol remember when I used to blog?

opening pandora's box

This showed up on Facebook a while back. I guess it explains why there are so many Dave Thomas themed stations on Pandora.

Pandora Headquarters.

2011 predictions revisited

Oh, hey there, February! How you doing? What's that you say? I never reviewed my 2011 predictions last month like I was supposed to? Well son of a B.

Sorry about that, guys. I guess January just bowled me over like so many soda bottles in the back warehouse of the supermarket during the annual against-all-the-official-rules Thanksgiving time turkey bowling tournament that all supermarket employees apparently do, if sitcoms and angsty family dramas are to be believed (and I assume they are). My sincerest apologies.

Well, let's get down to it. As is my usual routine, I'll go through my predictions one-by-one and see how psychic I actually am. I've fared pretty well in the past, so I've got a lot of dignity riding on these results (by which I mean I actually have nothing whatsoever riding on these results).

So here we go. Ready? OKAY!

---

* My cooking, which is good but certainly nothing gourmet, is the subject of critical acclaim.
Nope. To be honest, I wrote this prediction the day after I submitted a recipe to a contest from the back of a pizza crust package. Apparently I was over-confident in myself.

* I get, and destroy, some awesome pants. These are hopefully two separate pairs, as I'd hate to destroy awesome pants right after getting them.
Yes. I got a brand new pair of khakis in January, and by March they were wearing paint due to somebody at work failing to cordon off a work area. That incident sums up how things work at that company pretty well.

Pretty much exactly like this.

* Brent surprises absolutely everyone by not contracting any STIs this year. This is most likely due to the fact that there are simply no more STIs left for him to contract.
Yes. Somehow, Brent managed to avoid contracting a single VD in 2011. Incidentally, he also landed a ladyfriend this year. Coincidence?

* A major purchase, like a car or some durable good, is in my future. I don't have any idea how this will happen, as I don't anticipate being able to afford anything in the next year.
Sort of. I didn't make a major purchase, but I did inherit a car. Also, sort of plus one on predicting that I wouldn't be able to afford jack shiz this year.

* A new job opportunity comes my way, and it's probably something unexpected and fairly exciting. This may help to explain how the above prediction can take place.
Yes. I got a new job, finally. You can now find me making your favorite handcrafted beverages at Starbucks Coffee Company. It's a much better company than my last one, so that's nice. Also, as a side note, I'm the only male in a store of 17 women. Needless to say, even my cycles are starting to synchronize.
 

Me with my co-workers. I'm the one with the beard.

* Someone I know gets punched right in the face. RIGHT IN THE FACE!
Yes. My brother (a cop) fulfilled this prediction literally days before the year's end by getting in a pretty serious brawl with some ill-mannered street toughs. Not only did he get punched right in the face (RIGHT IN THE FACE!), but he actually got sent right to the hospital (RIGHT TO THE HOSPITAL!) with a bite wound (!) that punched right through his shirt AND his jacket (!!!) and into his flesh. The guy with the strong teeth didn't fare nearly as well, I'm told.

* There will be a huge, huge scandal that turns everything upside down. The scandal will be old, but the news will be new. It will result in plenty of lost jobs, even more lost money, and at least one or two arrests.
Yes. May I briefly remind you of the Penn State scandal, in which former coach Jerry Sandusky was found to have spent the last several years raping boys in the locker room showers, and a number of school officials, presumably more concerned about the school's football program than about the fact that people are getting raped by their football coach, covered up the abuse just like the current Pope did before he was Pope. So that makes for a perfect score (regrettably) for this prediction: The scandal was old (Sandusky is alleged to have been raping people from as early on as the 70s), but the news was new (Sandusky was indicted on 11/4/11), plenty of jobs were lost (five, by my count), even more money was lost (it was good knowing you, profitable football program), and there were at least one or two arrests (three, actually).

* White supremacists will make headlines for doing something asinine, as white supremacists are prone to do.
Yes, but it depends on how you define asinine. How about a Nazi group adopting-a-highway in Delaware? Is that asinine, or just kind of silly? I guess it's your call.
On a sort-of related note, 2011 also saw former skinhead leader Bryon Widner undergo 25 surgeries to remove a bunch of Nazi tattoos from his face so he can put his wicked past behind him. That's not something asinine, and he's not currently a white supremacist (although he used to be), but it is neat enough to justify sharing here.

* At least two people I know beget children. These two people are, naturally, people whom I do not expect to be begetting children. This may be a result of the many unexpected marriages I predicted in years past.
Yes. A whole grip of them, most of whom I will not even bother listing (because you probably don't know them anyway). I will mention, though, that I had a niece born this year, which is pretty cool.

* Something from outer space collides with the earth, or with something we put into space from the earth. The price of tin foil goes sky high.
Yes. How about this? And this one? And this one here? Man, are there any satellites left in space?

* I appear on TV for some reason. I regret the fact that my hair looks so bad the one day I happen to be in front of a camera.
No. To my knowledge, I did not appear on TV this year. Although I did have plenty of days where my hair looked like crap.

* I think something in my life is going to catch fire. I hope it's not going to be like that time the whole city of San Diego burned down.
Maybe? I feel confident that something did in fact go up in flames, although I can't recall what it could have been. For purposes of the scorecard, I'm going to have to count this as a 'No', which is a bummer.

* I don't know why, but I think something bad will happen involving Adam Sandler.
Yes.

 

* I come in contact with a celebrity, who addresses me by name.
No. I don't remember encountering any celebrities this past year, but I did get one of my tweets favorited by a Canadian humorist, if that's worth anything.

* Madness, sheer madness, insanity, and inanity. Chinatown won't even know what hit it.
Not really, but kind of. There was a decent showing of madness, moderate insanity, and low-but-steady inanity throughout the year, but probably not amounting to the levels I had in mind when I made this prediction.

This is about as insane and inane as it got. This is admittedly unimpressive. I'm getting old, you see.

And the final numbers are in. Out of 15 predictions, I was correct 9 times, incorrect 4 times, and "kinda sorta" correct twice. That leaves me with a .60 average, which is 3.3% lower than last year, which means I need to really step up my game when it comes to psychic abilities.


Now, please enjoy this picture of an anthropomorphic peanut:

blackout lifted

Black it up, black it in, let me begin...

Thanks for participating in my honor system blackout (which according to Google Analytics was exactly the same as a normal day for this site). You may resume reading my amazing and wonderful prose now.

Also, enjoy this picture of a man entertaining seniors with an accordion:

Please don't even ask, because the answer is "I don't know."

site blackout in protest of SOPA/PIPA

I thought about blacking this site out today in protest of the disastrous SOPA/PIPA legislation that would effectively give the US government authority to censor the internet, but then I realized I'd probably forget to unblock it tomorrow, and then all like four of my followers would be out of luck until I remembered what I did sometime probably next April or so, and by the time I put the site back online, they'd all have unfollowed me on Google Reader and replaced my feed with LOLcats or something like that. So I decided to keep this site up today, and instead institute a...

HONOR SYSTEM BLACKOUT DAY

Please do not read this blog on January 18 between the hours of 12:00AM and 11:59PM EST.

Go read haikus about lubed up dolphins somewhere else!

some haikus about george w bush

This post is part of a feature where people give me a topic, and I write 12 haiku about it. This post is brought to you by @thelobito.

George W. Bush
The 43rd President
Of the USA

He is from Texas
Used to be the governer
Before Rick Perry

He talked like a dork
And looked kind of like a chimp
What a tragedy

I bet that Al Gore
Wishes that guy Ralph Nader
Just stayed out of things

Bush owned the Rangers
The MLB baseball team
Not park services

Why did Jake Tremblay
Ask me to write twelve haiku
About Dubya Bush?

"I'm the decider!"
Was one of the stupidest
Things he ever said

Most agree that he
Was not a good President
But some think he was

The best thing he did
Was move Daylight Savings Time
And that's about it

The War on Terror
Even a child could tell you
Bad idea, man

You know it's bad when
Even John Kerry looks good
In comparison

Now that he's retired
I have less malice toward him
But he sure was bad

some haikus about new delhi

This post is part of a feature where people give me a subject, and I write 12 haiku about it. This post is brought to you by @BigCP46.

New Delhi haiku
Are bound to be a challenge
'Cause I'm ignorant

Googling New Delhi
Now I feel like a big dork
It's in India

I think New Delhi
Is infinitely better
Than that Old Delhi

Visiting this place
You may find an Indian
Not the cowboy kind

India is big
The biggest population
In the whole dang world

What do you think of
When you think of New Delhi?
Men with pants, perhaps?

Being in India
New Delhi's bound to get hot
In the summertime

The best part about
The country of India
Is Indian food

I love to eat naan
It's ever so delicious
But that's off topic

Writing twelve haiku
About a place in Asia
Harder than you think

FDR would say
"New Delhi is a ripoff
Sounds just like New Deal"

No stereotypes
Not going to write about
Technical support

some haikus about why david cameron looks like a lesbian

This post is part of a series where people give me a topic, and I write 12 haiku about it. This particular topic comes from @brittneygirl.

David Cameron
He's England's Prime Minister
Brittney says mean things

Why does he look like
A lady who isn't straight
Instead of a man?

I bet his haircut
Has something to do with it
But I'm not sure why

Does he look the part
Because he has a jawline
That has a soft curve?

I have no problem
With people who are not straight
Feel bad writing these

What if it turned out
That Cameron was really
Not a man at all?

What the heck, Brittney?
This is such a weird topic
You're some kind of freak

David Cameron
Does he really look that much
Like a lesbian?

It would be much worse
If he were seen in photos
With Justin Bieber

Some things that he does
Are things that lesbians do
Like liking women

Picture Cameron
Smooching Margaret Thatcher
On second thought, don't

No one knows for sure
Why he looks like the L-word
But he kind of does

some haikus about the national football league

This post is part of a feature where people give me a topic and I write 12 haiku about it. This particular topic comes from @DavidSeawright.

NFL stands for
The National Football League
It's a group of teams

Does ESPN
Have exclusive rights to it?
I don't really watch

The Oakland Raiders
Their mascot has an eye patch
But where's his crack pipe?

Sunday Night Football
I've never even watched it
What time is it on?

What's with those stupid
New England Patriot jerks?
Can't they lose for once?

Go San Diego!
Chargers wear blue and yellow
I like Padres more

What's with the pig skin?
Is that really a bladder?
That's pretty effed up

In the Batman show
The Animated Series
Robin played football

Remember that guy
Who wore a chicken costume?
I heard he sold out

Managers are rich
Didn't George Bush own a team?
Or was that baseball?

I hear concussions
Are a problem in football
Helmets are useless

Despite what they say
When I watch the Superbowl
The commercials suck

hayes you guyyyyyys!

I saw a novelty $1M bill today. This wasn't the first time I've seen one, but it was the first one I've seen with Rutherford B. Hayes on it.

When I saw it, I said, "Haha, is that Rutherford B. Hayes? Awesome." Then I realized that I am able to identify Rutherford B. Hayes just by his picture. I'm not sure whether to be proud of this or concerned.

But either way, this is probably the only picture of Rutherford B. Hayes ever to be printed outside of a Presidential timeline in a history textbook.

the importance of copy editing

Wait, what?

The tenderloin is the ass, right?

"meta" hours of operation

I found myself in need of a replacement Social Security card, so I headed over to the SSA's website to find the hours of operation for the nearest office. Instead, I found the hours of operation for the web page that tells me the office hours. Yes, you read that right. The hours of operation... for the web page.

This still blows my mind every single time I see it.

Not being one to shy away from leaving constructive feedback, I decided to bring the problem to somebody's attention. Although being that I'm contacting the same people who thought it was a good idea to put office hours on a website in the first place, I'm not expecting much in the way of results. But nevertheless, here's what I wrote (click the image to enlarge):

I had to edit out four different swear words before it got to this stage.

After I wrote that, I thought it might be a little too snarky to submit. After all, the recipient of my snark is likely to be a person who already has the misfortune of working in Washington, DC (oy!) for the federal government (double oy!) in a little cubicle (triple oy!), and tasked with reading and responding to people's complaints all day long (mother effing balls oy!). So I decided to tone it down a bit, and ended up submitting this:

Maybe still a little bitchier than it needs to be, but it is what it is. We'll see what happens. Maybe it'll go to a committee for discussion, and then to a task force, then back to another committee, then submitted for vote, then conditionally voted down, then rewritten and log rolled into a bill about consumer privacy protections and passed, then passed on to another task force who will resolve the problem by spending $1.3M to construct a facility to house all of the federal government's secure servers in one central location, which, in order to reduce cost to the taxpayer, will only be operational Monday through Friday, between the hours of 5:00 AM and 10:00 PM EST.

a whole lotta shakin' goin' on (but that's all relative)

The Eastern US is in hysterics today, following an earthquake in the DC area earlier this morning. The way the media are covering this event, you'd think the earth split open and swallowed the White House.

What today's East Coast quake felt like, to East Coasters.

For those of us living in California, of course, the whole episode is entirely silly. Earthquakes here are a dime a dozen; we sleep through most of our temblors, and can't even bother ourselves to move from the couch for anything less than a 6.9. When they make the news, little attention is given to them outside of a few observations and B-roll footage of a leaking water pipe or something. So naturally, the excessive coverage and Twitter chatter about today's tremor is entirely laughable to us Southern Californians.

How East Coasters during an earthquake look to Californians.

Yeah, we Californians would never get so bent out of shape over a paltry 5.9 like our friends back East do. We reserve our media freakouts for when Mother Nature does something really crazy. Like two consecutive days of rain!

"Things are expected to get pretty hairy on Wednesday and Thursday!"

I guess the extremity of Nature's doings is just like that family reunion you had to go to last summer: all relatives.

"tipping" the scales of justice

A North Carolina waitress named Judy Proffitt has been arrested and charged with seven counts of "obtaining property by false pretenses" for altering the tip amounts on her checks at the restaurant where she worked.

Maybe she was trying to finance a new pair of glasses

It was a clever plan, but one that can only go on for so long before someone notices. Seriously, Judy, there are much safer ways to turn a Proffitt! Oh thank you, thank you, I'm here aaaaaaaaaall week.

80 ron? sure.

I was watching an episode of Seinfeld tonight on a Russian video hosting site, when I saw this ad:

I don't know who Dan Petrescu is (Russia's answer to Marc Summers, from the looks of it), but he's the Russian lovechild of Bill Maher and Mario Lopez.

That's really all I wanted to say.

unholy penguins of the damned

A lady at the place where I work is into ceramics. She tells people that she makes them herself, but that's a lie. She actually just takes pre-formed ceramic figurines and paints them. Back before I knew the truth about her [lack of] involvement in making her figurines, I thought to myself, "Boy, she's really good! Granted, her painting sucks, but her sculpting is amazing!" But it turns out that she's not good at sculpting but bad at painting, but sadly, just bad at painting. (Related)

I'm not one to make fun of other people's art coloring, and that's not my intention in bringing this up. I bring it up because her painted figurines are creepy as all hell. They all have exactly one thing in common (aside from being lied about), and that's a pair of ghoulish, heavily shadowed eyes. And this creeps me out. I don't know why she consistently does this. Maybe she's a secret creeper (like me) and hopes to give people nightmares with her art (like me). Or maybe she's just really, really unskilled with the paint brush (like me), with the result that all her pieces are, unintentionally, grotesque (like me). Whatever the reason, it needs to stop, because it's the stuff of nightmares (like me).

Take this cute horrifying little penguin, for example:

All good things inside you died just now.

Look at it. Just look. Stare into the vacuum of those cold, unfeeling eyes for a good, long minute.

You know that feeling you have now, like your soul has just been quietly but savagely violated within you? That's the feeling I have every day I go into work and have this thing stare at me from across the desk. But it gets even worse. Look...

It's like sharing a desk with the Children of the Corn.

More of them! Twice the terror! For the love of all that's good and holy, why do these things exist?! And why are they glued to the lamp at the reception desk?!

Seriously, how do we live in a world in which these are allowed to be?

I'm convinced that if soul-eating death penguins could talk, they would sound like small English children who speak without emotion. I can already see them waddling single file through my bedroom window at night, intent on murder, while I lay sleeping in my bed. Just for the record, I'll be sleeping with a carving knife tonight.

As disturbing as those penguins are (and they are!), they're not even the worst of it. Not by a long shot. What you're about to see is a whole different kind of wrong:

This is so bad, I can't even bring myself to write a funny caption about it.

Penguins of the Damned are one thing, but this is so disturbing that it crosses over into the morally offensive. I don't really know how to say this without sounding crass, but look at this and tell me how it can be anything but a victim of sexual violence. Now I know rape a very serious thing and nothing to joke about, but that's really the only thing this penguin looks like. The tear-filled black-eyes with running mascara, the bloody split-open lip (or nose, it's hard to tell on a penguin), the look of shame and indignity, the hands over the crotch... Seriously, what the eff. This thing exists. A freaking bloody nose, for crying out loud! What on earth was she thinking?? And who thought it would be a good idea to display it at work? Hell, man. The vacant, soul-eating penguins suddenly seem like Muppet Babies in light of this. Seriously, we have a huge problem here.

Conclusion: Someone at my work is very messed up, in a very Clockwork Orange kind of way. And I dread going to work (and to sleep) because of it.

now hiring!

Job title: Dennys Late Nite Music Selector

Key Responsibilities: Scouring the bottom of the pop culture barrel for the most insufferable "music" imaginable with which to punish late night clientele. Excessive auto tuning and inexplicable lyrics encouraged.

To apply, submit a mix tape consisting of equal parts ass rock, pop-hop, poorly remixed 80s duets, and Smashmouth.

EOE. Compensation commensurate with cultural obtuseness. Ke$ha fans encouraged to apply.

i'll be watching you...

When I was little, I thought the song Every Breath You Take by The Police was about an uptight, micromanaging scientist keeping a close eye on his new chemistry apprentice. This was due entirely to my mishearing the lyric "Every vow you break" as "Every vial you break".

Sting saw this happen.

Did You Know?: It's a little know fact that The Police were originally known as Sting and the Anal Chemists back in the 60s. They changed their name when drummer Stewart Copeland was informed by Mayo Clinic proctologist Barry Whittford that considerable confusion had arisen amongst his patients as to the use of chemical agents in treating colon infirmities.

Above: an early photo of Sting.

Now You Know!

good and better: protests

we could only hope...

I saw this Marmaduke cartoon the other day, and had to do a double take. Not because it was particularly clever (it wasn't), nor because it was especially stupid (no more than any other day), but because when I initially saw it, I mistook it for something much different than what it actually was.

What Brad Anderson actually drew:

Sigh.

What my mind immediately went to:

Awesome.

Sadly, this is not actually what happened, and we're stuck with more daily installments of Marmaduke until Brad Anderson finally realizes he's out of ideas, or dies.